The Princess Diaries

2007-08-20T01:20:00.000-05:00

i'm a person who needs closure. whether that closure leads to broken relationships or new and better experiences, i just need it. i need it to give me the green light to move on with my life without wondering "what if?" or having it hold me back. five years ago, i ventured off to oxford, england. what was supposed to be a time of travel and study became the best time of my life. after i came

2006-05-29T22:34:00.000-05:00

i've gone a good part of my teenage and adult life pretty self-reliant. i used to pride myself on being so independent. i don't like asking for help because to me, it's a sign of weakness. it's also a pretty good way to hurt one's pride. so, no matter how hard the task or how big the obstacle, i did it on my own - even if it meant getting a few bumps and bruises or sleepless nights. but, i

2006-05-04T22:50:00.000-05:00

i guess i've had better days. i just don't remember them. it's kind of like my sleeping habits. i don't remember ever waking up feeling well-rested or refreshed. that might be a reason why i sleep so much (along with wanting to avoid life.) whatever the case, i've come to accept that my life is not meant to be ideal or easy or anything close to it. things have never come easy for me. and

2006-01-06T23:14:00.000-06:00

with previous "situations", i knew what to do. poop happens. but, get over it. move on. there'll be someone/something better. it's not worth my time to stress. but, that's not the case with this one. just when i thought i could put it all behind me, there was new information. i could have chosen to not know this information, but i had to know. no regrets, remember? well, now that i have this

2006-01-01T22:39:00.000-06:00

is it over yet? thank goodness. i thought the year would never end. thankfully, the past is in the past. it's time to move on (again.) but, before we do, let's take a look at 2005.2005 - year in review- broken heart beginning to mend- a sad farewell to pwalter, susan, kristen, sean&iain- farnsworth traded to the detriot tigers. (sniff, sniff...)- celebrated my 26th in style with the ladies by

2005-12-29T00:49:00.000-06:00

sometimes,all you want is for someone to ask instead you of telling.

2005-12-25T22:34:00.000-06:00

i'm not sure when it happened or why it happened, but in the past 5 years, i've become very emotional - the whole range. previous to the 5 years, i was just angry and bitter. not much made me all that happy and i just didn't care for anything or anyone. but, after college, my tear ducts were opened and can't be securely shut anymore. i'm easily sadden by things and cry at way too many things.

2005-12-21T23:30:00.000-06:00

hope can be the beacon of light a person needs to get through a tough situation. hope can also turn out to be incredibly disappointing and prevent a person from relying on it again.

2005-10-16T23:22:00.000-05:00

my drive home sundays are usually just time for me to listen to music and enjoy the open suburban roads. but, today's drive wasn't so peaceful.as i was driving home, some thoughts entered my mind. and, as i thought about them, they became realizations. and as reality sunk in, i began to think about my escape plan - how was i going to get out of this place? this is not the first time i've thought

2005-09-19T22:43:00.000-05:00

sometimes i make the mistake of reading old emails when i shouldn't. i'm a packrat. so, i keep almost everything - especially things of sentimental value. occasionally, i will save something and tell myself that i shouldn't look at it or read it again. but, for sentimental reasons and so i don't regret it later, i should hold on to it. BUT! in order to protect my heart, i shouldn't look back on

2005-09-17T21:31:00.000-05:00

i hate regret. but right now, that's what i'm feeling.for the most part, i look back on my undergrad days with little fondness. don't get me wrong. i did enjoy my time in boston. boston's a great city and i met some great people there. i was able to experience things in boston that i could only experience there. but for the most part, i don't miss it. my years in boston seem like a lifetime ago

2005-09-12T21:38:00.000-05:00

why is it that...when you meet someone who is completely wrong for you, you go for them? it's not so much because there's a chance there might be something. but, it's more because you're curious or know that the rest of your life, you'll be with the "right" person. of course, this only leads to mistakes and sometimes, regret and hurt. but, most often than not, it ends up with, "what was i

2005-08-03T02:38:00.000-05:00

when is enough enough?how long can a friend be selfless? how long can a friend give and give? how long can a friend go without receiving?how long can a friend meet the other all the way? how long can a friend sacrifice what she doesn't have? how long can a friend doubt the intentions of the other? how long can a friend make excuses?how long can a friend hope for change? how long can a friend

2005-07-12T23:58:00.000-05:00

<< rewind to yesterday:i came back home all confused and slightly frustrated. but, it's the confused and frustrated that comes with an excitement that makes you look forward to the next day. i confided in someone and all i got was encouragement and support. so, that of course, made me even more excited, but also more frustrated - with myself. i didn't know what to make of it all. and it was

2005-06-28T21:18:00.000-05:00

never in my life have i caved into this sort of pressure. i've been able to live most of my life not all that concerned about my weight. sure, there were times when things got a bit out of control, but i modified my diet a bit and that was that. i've had my share of days when my clothes didn't fit right, but i just changed and problem solved. i figured that with time, the bloating would go

2005-06-19T21:06:00.000-05:00

what entails living an ordinary life? does it mean working a 9-5 job, getting married, having 2.5 kids, and living in a house with a white picket fence? maybe it's doing and living your life the way others expect you to. whatever it is, i don't want to live it. i'm beginning to wonder if i set myself up to live an ordinary life. because i feel myself slowly giving into it. don't get me

2005-05-19T23:04:00.000-05:00

my boys

2005-05-01T21:28:00.000-05:00

when it comes to other people, i have more than enough faith. i am able to hope for the best for others. and when the people around me have a grim outlook, i am able to (surprisingly) have a positive one. i hope for the best in others' situations and hardships. i fully believe that things work out for the best - for others. but, when the tables are turned, i am drier than dry. something

2005-03-25T17:00:00.000-06:00

for some reason, when things bother me, they really bother me. even if the problems aren't mine, but i care about the person dealing with the problem, i feel unusually heavy-hearted. this past week has been a heavy-hearted kind of week. day after day, i've had to deal with something that made me sad. and to my fault, i try to see what i can do to fix these problems that aren't mine. but,

2005-03-20T22:35:00.000-06:00

i guess it was bound to happen sooner or later. we couldn't stay kids forever - no matter how much we wanted to. we were going to grow up and move on with our lives. it began when we graduated from high school and were on our separate ways to our respective colleges/universities. after graduation, we all got jobs - our next step to becoming responsible adults. and as the years went by, we drifted

2005-03-14T21:31:00.000-06:00

now i know why teachers want to spend an extra 3 or so hours after school and saturday mornings to coach. yes, the stipend is nice. but, coaching gives a teacher the chance to physically do something with students. and what sets the student athletes apart from the students is that the athletes want to be there. and the ones who truly want to be on the team will endure the drills, the laps, the

2005-03-02T22:39:00.000-06:00

here are some random thoughts for you:~ i've always wanted more from life. i've never been satisfied with anything. it's not that i'm not greatful - i just want more. so sometimes, i find it extremely odd to realize where i'm at in my life. and sure, i've accomplished a few things and have a good job right now - but i want more. and i want to know that this isn't it. i need to know that there's

2005-02-16T21:48:00.000-06:00

it's like a dream. any minute, i'll wake up & once again, be in my reality. i can't believe it, but yet, i can. this is what i've waited so long for. one year of figuring out what i wanted to do with my life & 2 1/2 years of preparing for this moment. it's finally here. my perseverance & dedication has not gone unseen. my decision to stick with the "lesser", more humble position has led

2005-01-19T21:49:00.000-06:00

as i get older, i seemed to be more and more affected by things. the littlest things can throw me off and change my mood. some have said that this is a good thing, 'cause i'm responding to things and it shows that i care. sure, in some cases, this is good. for instance, as a teacher, i should be responding and i should care - for the benefit of my students. but other than that, it's just

2005-01-04T17:05:00.000-06:00

i'm not sure why i keep going back. a part of me feels like that i have to prove something to myself. i have to prove to myself that i can get over this and that i wasn't that hurt by it all. and while, i'm okay when it's not at the forefront of my thoughts, when i am encountered with it, it all comes crashing down on me. but, i want to get over this. i want to be able to say that i don't

2005-01-01T22:59:00.000-06:00

i don't know what came over me (well, actually i do.) i almost forgot to post an entry about last year's highlights&lowlights and the new year's coming attraction. please, excuse my lapse. so, without further due, here it is: 2004 - the year in review - turned the big two-five, with not much to show for - my beloved Disco endured lots of repairs while my checking account endured lots of large

2004-12-28T14:15:00.000-06:00

for the past twentysomething years of my life, i have done everything i was supposed to do. i was a "good" kid, was responsible, and careful (maybe a bit too much.) i calculated everything. so much so, that my present days were spent only living for the future. that's all i could focus on. where was i going to end up? what would i be doing? who would i spend the rest of my life with? well, this

2004-12-26T23:04:00.000-06:00

it's simple, really. if this was another situation, i would know what to do and immediately do it. i wouldn't settle for anything less and leave it at that. take it or leave it. but, for some stupid reason, not this time. it's like i just keep going back in for the sucker punch - over and over and over and over again. so, what gives? i don't know. wishful thinking? foolishness? it's as

2004-12-22T23:59:00.000-06:00

it's funny what it takes for you to see what friendships are grounded on and whether or not you feel like it's a true friendship. i suppose after spending close to 5 days with the same people will lend to some insight into those particular friendships/relationships/aquaintances. true, spending that much time with people can result in a cabin fever type of reaction. but, the real test is if

2004-12-17T16:23:00.000-06:00

is it that i'm forgiving or that i'm a softie or that i'm just a complete pushover? right now, i can't tell... ~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~ leaving for vegas soon. the ol' skool bethel girls in sin city - that'll be a sight to see. if all goes well, i won't have any stories to share when i get back - 'cause, afterall, what happens in vegas, stays in vegas

2004-12-16T20:40:00.000-06:00

i'm not sure what it is, but it's taken a good hold of me. i never intended to get this emotionally involved. there was never a sense of committment or being exculsive. i knew that and i was fine with it. really, i was. but, now i'm stuck with the sense of being left a fool. 'cause, even though i knew this was casual, i made the mistake of placing any sort of hopes and expectations in this.

2004-12-08T22:14:00.000-06:00

so, this is it. after thursday, i'll be done. i'll be free to move on with my life. i'll be free to go where i want. this is what i've been waiting for. and now, more than ever, i want out. 'cause, it's time. it's been time for a long time.

2004-11-29T22:55:00.000-06:00

did you ever try to fight your feelings? going into this, i didn't want to care all that much and i didn't want my emotions to get in the way. there was promising in this, just friendship and some good times. but, right now, there's a lot more involved than i ever intended. to be made to feel sad, jealous, annoyed, and happy all in a few hours is way too much. it's not in my place to feel all

2004-11-27T01:54:00.000-06:00

after the first, i thought i'd be able to make a decision. i thought i'd know where i wanted things to go. but, i don't know. i don't have the slightest idea. and because, i can't figure it out, i can't sleep. and i get irritated when i can't sleep. this shouldn't be difficult. i don't want it to be difficult. i want the answers to be in front of me. i want to be able to know where this

2004-11-20T01:07:00.000-06:00

when something new (project, relationship, friendship, phase, etc.) begins, the optimistic part of me thinks, "this is it. this time, everything will be good. i'll finally be happy." but, sure enough, my cynicism kicks in and then, i realize that it's all the same. who was i kidding? things don't change. i'm not quite sure what it is, but the disappointment never fails to set in. i would like

2004-11-19T01:27:00.000-06:00

for the past twentysomething years of my life, i did what was expected. i walked to the beat i was supposed to. i rarely stepped out of line. not that i was perfect, but i didn't wander from the korean/christian norm. when things got tough and unsatisfying, i stuck with it. 'cause, i wasn't supposed to quit. i wasn't raised to be a quitter. i surpressed a lot of my own desires and pursuits, '

2004-11-07T21:57:00.000-06:00

wow-wee! been a long time, eh? the last time i checked in, i was nervous not about student teaching, but student teaching at mather. with only 5 more weeks to go, i'm happy to report that i'm still in one piece - physically, at least. emotionally and mentally, that's another thing. the past 9 weeks have been filled with emotions and mental states that i could have been spared of. i was

2004-08-31T22:40:00.000-05:00

anxiety \Anx*i"e*ty\, n. an abnormal and overwhelming sense of apprehension and fear often marked by physiological signs (as sweating, tension, and increased pulse), by doubt concerning the reality and nature of the threat, and by self-doubt about one's capacity to cope with it. mather, here i come.

2004-08-16T22:06:00.000-05:00

with only a few weeks left to go, the drama is beginning. the drama we call, "uic's special education program". i'm amazed at how one minute, something can be told, so that a large group of people can make the appropriate arrangements. and then, the next minute, it's all changed. and that group of people, who need to pay their bills, raise their families, and survive, are supposed to

2004-08-08T23:09:00.000-05:00

dk in ny (so clever, i am) for as many times i've been out of town and for as many times i've been in new york city, this time around was different. i had never been on vacation with my cousins, not even on one of those huge family vacations to niagara falls. and though my cousins are substantially younger than me, we get along well. they pretty much made up the itinerary and i just made

2004-07-24T20:32:00.000-05:00

for quite some time now, all signs have been leading me out and away. out of what i've known my whole life - the comforts and the old paths and roads - and away from those i've known for years and the common. so, if by the end, there continues to be no real reason for me to stay (family illness, relationship(s) worth investing in, job offer i can't refuse, or serious financial hardship), i'll

2004-07-10T12:38:00.000-05:00

sure, it's sad. it's sad to think that after all these years, i can just let go. but, sometimes, that's what needs to happen. as time goes on, it becomes more and more apparent (to me) that this is over. 'cause i won't move from my stance and am tired of running after something that wasn't there to begin with. i am tired of giving and giving when nothing is to be received. and i am just

2004-06-28T23:11:00.000-05:00

once again, just as i was ready to make him into a distant memory, he's come back into my life, in some form. i'm not so bothered to have heard about his whereabouts and going-on's, but i'm bothered that i'm still so effected by him. i'm told that i deserve better, but it's not about doing "better." no matter what negative things i'm told, it's just not enough. it's become more apparent that i

2004-06-21T21:56:00.000-05:00

everything that is familiar has become tired and old. i have no patience for what used to be and what i knew. i have no patience for what i know, either. i gotta get out of this place (and surprisingly, i'm not talking about the house i live in.)

2004-06-16T01:46:00.000-05:00

i have an aunt who, to me, is a spinning image of my paternal grandmother. i didn't know my grandmother for very long. family members tell me that i take after my grandmother a lot. but, the little that i do remember brings me a sense of true happiness and comfort. i don't get to see my aunt often, 'cause she's in korea. so, naturally, i get excited when she's visiting. whenever i see her, i

2004-06-12T23:03:00.000-05:00

is blood thicker than water? not always.

2004-06-07T23:46:00.000-05:00

it was fun catching up and talking about the "old days." it was good remembering the fun i had in college and in boston. but, it didn't make me miss it or want it. 'cause that was then and this is now. i know it was only a few years ago that i was in boston doing my thing. but, in between leaving boston and now, a lot has changed. i've changed. in some ways, the "old" me was better -

2004-06-03T22:33:00.000-05:00

i'd like to say that i came out of this past weekend feeling refreshed and that i was glad that i went. but, i don't like to lie. it's not that i had a terrible time, but i didn't have the best time either. but, i did come out knowing that i need to make a good amount of decisions that i've been avoiding. i also came out believing that this is just the way things are going to be from now on,

2004-05-28T13:55:00.000-05:00

the thing that really sucks about this crap situation is what it's costing me. i hate feeling awkward, so i have to avoid many situations. and if i can't avoid the situation, i end up feeling awkward and uncomfortable. and remember? i hate that. but, the worst is that now, i have to give up certain small settings, 'cause my feeling awkward and uncomfortable might and probably will make others

2004-05-25T22:29:00.000-05:00

i've been wondering why i've been put into the situations and places i'm in and what i'm supposed to do about it. and i've come up with that it's to do my best to get out and get away as far as possible from it all. so, now the question is, "when do i go and where?" patience...

2004-05-24T16:17:00.000-05:00

scoliosis \Sco`li*o"sis\, n. [NL., fr. Gr. skolio`s crooked.] (Med.) A lateral curvature of the spine. spasm \Spasm\, n. [F. spasme, L. spasmus, Gr. ?, from ?, ?, to draw, to cause convulsion. Cf. Span, v. t.] 1. (Med.) An involuntary and unnatural contraction of one or more muscles or muscular fibers. Note: Spasm are usually either clonic or tonic. In clonic spasm, the muscles or muscular

2004-05-22T23:35:00.000-05:00

things could not have been any more awkward and completely uncomfortable. but, i need to be "adult" about it, right? then, let's get it straight. i didn't break "it" up. i am not the only one at fault. it takes two to tango.

2004-05-18T08:55:00.000-05:00

i've been driving my dad to and from his store this week. the easiest way to get to his store is by driving down lincoln ave. and while, that's all fine and dandy, there's one neighborhood that i don't like driving through. it's not dangerous or shady. it's just that for reasons only known to me (and a few of the privileged), i'd rather not go through that neighborhood. i can do without the

2004-05-12T00:12:00.000-05:00

where do you go when you have nowhere to runaway to? tonight was yet another reminder that i can't stay. 'cause in order to save whatever's left, something's got to give and someone's got to go. even if you knew, you'd still have no idea.

2004-05-04T23:12:00.000-05:00

went to go see dr. gueralnick - again. told her that my pains were worse and that the drugs she gave me didn't work. she was very surprised and checked me out again. she told me that the "big" spasm didn't go away and that's why it hurts so much when she presses on it. she said there might be some curvature too. she prescribed me some PT and sent me on my way. she said she hopes i feel

2004-05-03T13:26:00.000-05:00

give me one good reason why i should: go to the retreat. stay here. "get over it." "forgive and forget about it." not leave. try. care.

2004-04-20T16:35:00.000-05:00

i had this dream last night that i was running (i know, that in itself is bizarre and hard to believe) and i couldn't stop. i just kept running and running. no matter how tired i was and even though i was having muscle spasms everywhere, i kept going. i just couldn't stop and wanted to so badly. it was a terrible feeling. i woke up really tense and stiff. weird, huh? maybe it was some

2004-04-18T22:00:00.000-05:00

i don't wanna care anymore.

2004-04-16T20:35:00.000-05:00

i'm not exactly sure what's come over me lately, but it's probably the same nagging thing that's been dormant in me for some time now. i'm having those desires and wants to leave again. but this time, it's not just to get away for a little. this time, it's for a much longer period of time, if not permanently. i've been holding it in for awhile now and spewed it all out to my "study" partner

2004-04-10T23:48:00.000-05:00

for sometime now, i've been hoping & planning to move away from chicago & really start my life. but, there was always something holding me back. i thought it was the people (family, friends, & the like) who were keeping me here. but, it was more than that. it was the history & connection between me, the people, & the city that kept me here. i didn't want to lose sight of what i had. but,

2004-03-29T21:08:00.000-06:00

i was angered in class tonight. i rarely say anything in my classes. but, if provoked enough, i will unleash my fury. yeah, that's right, my fury. some people like to think that just because i belong to the minority, i automatically accept and support affirmative action. well, i'm not that easily won over. why should my race decide whether or not i'm accepted by some school or some

2004-03-25T23:59:00.000-06:00

i'm not sure what made me decide to read the old emails (which i should have deleted), but i did. but man, was it a bad idea. so, with that said, can someone PLEASE, STOP THE MADNESS!!! i can't take it any longer. for the life of me, i can't figure out why i can't just let go. i've been able to let go in the past, so why not this time? what's so different about this one (aside from the

2004-03-22T23:00:00.000-06:00

just when i thought things couldn't get worse and i thought there was nothing else to fix - i was wrong (surprise, surprise.) today, i spent way too long trying to find the damn land rover dealership in lake bluff (lucky for them, their estimate was the lowest.) but, it didn't end there. i had to take my damaged car with the new front breaks and roters back to land rover hoffman estates only

2004-03-11T20:44:00.000-06:00

so, it's been a week of revelations. not new revelations necessarily, but revelations, nonetheless. revelation #1: my ed. law class is filled with celebrity look-alikes. the professor looks like matthew broderick and there's a guy who slightly looks like an overgrown version of bono. revelation #2: the only socks that fit me can be bought at gap kids. revelation #3: my aging body can't

2004-03-09T10:21:00.000-06:00

the bad, inconsiderate daughter strikes again. all i want to do is just go away for a short time to relax and re-coop. and if it happens to be by myself, what is the big deal? i'm a big girl now. i'm pretty sure i can take care of myself. if you're wondering where i get the balls to do this on my own and the lack of fear in my life - it comes from you, the woman i've known for my whole life.

2004-03-02T20:48:00.000-06:00

so, you'd think after all this time, i'd be able to forget. but, i haven't. 'cause, not only have i kept the emails sent to me, i've saved the ones i sent. but, is it really that bad i can't let go? it's not like i'm obsessed or severely attached or anything. i just haven't forgotten. and i think in some ways, it's good for me to remember. 'cause even though the situation wasn't the best,

2004-02-25T22:22:00.000-06:00

i'm not sure if it's disappointment or just another sad reminder. and at this rate, i don't know which is worse.

2004-02-10T22:22:00.000-06:00

may cause blurred vision - that would explain a lot right now...

2004-01-27T21:26:00.000-06:00

i normally don't read newspaper articles that aren't about education, the cubs, or some outrageous scandal. but, an article in sunday's travel section caught my eye and i ended up reading it. i admit it was the picture of australia that interested me initially, but as i read the article, it couldn't have hit home harder. the article, "thoughts of home", is a bit too long to include; but here's

2004-01-26T14:01:00.000-06:00

you know, eversince i decided to really let go of certain things, my life has been much more bearable. it's like this really heavy weight's been taken off my back. and i love it. though it hasn't really been resolved, i've resolved it within myself and that's all that matters at this point. some may think that the decision i made was harsh and a bit unkind, but it's made a world of difference

2004-01-16T21:56:00.000-06:00

i know i've only been at work for two weeks since my break, but i need this three day weekend like you can't believe. i can tell you why i need it and you can say that you understand and feel the same, but no, you just can't. it's not possible, unless you're me. i'm becoming more and more effected by these kids. it's getting harder to not allow myself to get wrapped up in their lives. i

2004-01-03T22:58:00.000-06:00

it was always my thought that new year's resolutions and the like were of no use. they're made to be broken - for me, at least. but, i feel like something's over come me this year. so, here's my resolution of sorts: so, i've decided to wipe my hands clean of it. i'm tired of dealing with the drama and the lack of closure in it. it's been going on for several months now and probably

2004-01-01T23:59:00.000-06:00

well, there goes another year. so, let's get this party started and take a look back. 'cause once again, you know you want to know. 2003: year in review - year of travelling (aka. escaping): + returning to london 5 months after i got back + a trip to the dirty south, new orleans, with my kindred + mexico vacation with my girls - a vacation years in the making + the golly green

2003-12-28T22:37:00.000-06:00

in my attempt to blog something deep, witty, and/or clever, i've come up with nothing. it's winter break, so any part of me that might have been deep, witty, and/or clever is on hiatus. so, i figured that i should probably just blog about what's been weighing heavily on my mind lately. i've mentioned this before, but i think it's worth mentioning again - growing up sucks (well, these days,

2003-12-17T20:57:00.000-06:00

i'm blogging this because i don't want to read any inane, waste of breath excuses others might come up with. what is it with high school students these days? now, i know i've been out of high school for a good amount of time, but it hasn't been that long. students and teachers have always had their differences. and that's fine. it's always going to be like that. but the disrespect,

2003-12-13T22:29:00.000-06:00

i've been dreading going to this wedding - for one reason or another. but, since i rsvp-ed and he was a friend (at one point or another in my life), i went. (oh yeah - people, when we rsvp, we need to follow through. it's tactless to rsvp and not show up when we're expected to be somewhere.) it was a nice wedding, though. it was simple and classy. and regardless of whatever happened in the

2003-12-09T23:44:00.000-06:00

it was probably one of the best conversations i've had in a long time. tonight's conversation was three years in the making. there are things that people tell you and you just kind of take it in. it doesn't particularly mean anything significant. but, every so often, someone who matters to you (probably more than you realize) will say something and it'll just stay with you. even though it's

2003-12-02T21:48:00.000-06:00

there's an elephant in the living room. you can ignore it. you can walk around it. you can deny its presence. but, it's there and it ain't going nowhere. the person who said relationships don't change things lied. the person who says that relationships won't change things is a liar. 'cause i don't believe for one second that this is true. relationships always change things. a person may

2003-11-30T22:25:00.000-06:00

and then, there were three... the curse of '79 hits again -- it's just us, ladies. but, kate and rachel, I BELIEVE! i still have hope -- for you two, that is. as for me, it's not going to happen for a long time, if ever. (please, spare me the pity parties. this is how i want it to be. how else am i supposed to runaway to england?) so, in the meantime, let's live it up! woo hoo!

2003-11-27T23:05:00.000-06:00

what i've been told is true. once you leave and go back, you know if you are meant to be back in boston. the first time i went back to visit, i still felt some sense of belonging and attachment. i missed people and places. back then, i could still see myself going back and living in boston. but, this time around, there were no sentimental feelings and no sense of belonging. i was just a

2003-11-15T22:39:00.000-06:00

missing: one social life of a 24 year old. if found, please return to owner.

2003-11-14T16:29:00.000-06:00

all week, i wore nicer, more professional, more teaching-looking clothes. and for what? one brief encounter. just ONE! for the first time in a long time, i actually put thought into the clothes i wore, dealt with discomfort for 12 hours, and bent over backwards to tame my fro - for one brief moment out of 40 hours. honestly, what is wrong with me? and if sun is right, at the rate i'm going

2003-11-12T22:55:00.000-06:00

i work some of the best co-workers - EVER. who'd ever thought that i'd enjoy working and become friends with women who are my mom's age. they are the best, i tell 'ya. sometimes i forget that they could be my mom, 'cause they're the ones who keep me young these days. it's particularly amusing how they are so interested in my love life (or the lack of one.) and now that we (or i) have a new "

2003-11-06T23:06:00.000-06:00

so, it goes like this -- i can't stand the general high school population. yet, i work in a high school. i've been working in a high school for the past two years and am in the midst of my third. then, when i need to study, i go to the glenview caribou, where the high school kids hang out. they're not the ones from my school, but close enough. so, what gives? why do i do this to myself?

2003-11-02T21:51:00.000-06:00

9 out of 10 times, i agree with what my brother says and take his advice. but, this time around, i must disagree and not take his advice. and though he knows all parties involved and the situation, he doesn't know because he's not involved. i'm not going to pretend everything's okay, because it's not. and i just feel too strongly about this to move from my stance. and at this point, no one

2003-10-31T21:40:00.000-06:00

there are three major events in the Anchor Program: thanksgiving breakfast at walker brothers, the anchor banquet, and the pumpkin carving contest. unfortunately, several students weren't able to make it today to carve pumpkins. two students were out because they made suicide threats and their parents had zero reaction to it. i can't think of anything that makes me more upset and sadder than

2003-10-22T23:11:00.000-05:00

in my line of work, the apple doesn't fall far from the tree. and usually, you can polish off and save the apples despite the bruises, dents, cuts, and insecticides. but, sometimes, the tree the apple fell from has not nurtured and has done so much damage. and all you do is try to keep the apple from rotting. even if it means calling the proper authorities.

2003-10-16T22:44:00.002-05:00

it's odd how when a person you like is blamed/attacked/targeted by another, you feel so incredibly offended - whether or not you're directly involved. in some cases, you may have never met this person. it's just admiration from afar. but, once you hear, read, or see him or her attacked, the blood boils. for some over-protective and perhaps, sick reason, you feel like you're being attacked.

2003-10-16T16:43:00.000-05:00

i never really understood how or why guys got so attached to sports teams. and how when they would refer to the team, they would say, "we" or "our" or "us," as if they were on the teams themselves. i never grasped why guys would get so upset when their team lost and where the anger or depression came from... until now, that is. i barely slept last night, because i was so upset about the

2003-10-15T23:43:00.000-05:00

it's not right, i tell you. not right at all. after having a hard and upsetting week, i just wanted to see the cubs go to the world series. that's all i was asking for. was that too much to ask for? yes, it was a good, long season for the cubs. and they really came a long way, but come on! this series was supposed to belong to chicago, not florida. and on top of that, i was really hoping

2003-10-14T23:38:00.000-05:00

i've taken it upon myself to change a friend's name to "jack." i have nothing against the name his parents gave him, it's just that i like the way "jack" sounds with his last name. his initials would stay the same, so no big whoop. but, if i decide to actually call him, "jack," i should probably tell him, huh? and if that's the case, he might think i'm off my rocker. then, i wouldn't hear

2003-10-08T10:08:00.000-05:00

i like to learn the hard way. i can't help it - i'm sadistic that way. i don't enjoy it, but sometimes, that's the only way i'll really know. so, the "trust me, i know" and "i just don't want to see you get hurt" stuff usually means nothing to me. it's not that i don't appreciate advice or hearing what other people's opinions. i just don't use it, unless it's necessary. so, save it for

2003-10-06T23:50:00.000-05:00

honestly, what is going on here? is this some cruel joke to toy with my head? 'cause it's not funny, at all. i should have put this all behind me months ago. i was getting so close. and of course, when i least expect it, there it is, staring right at me. i'm probably making it a bigger issue than it is, but i can't help it. it's happening and i've got to deal with it - even if i don't want

2003-10-06T00:58:00.000-05:00

it's a great time to be living in chicago - thanks to dusty and the boys.

2003-10-01T10:57:00.000-05:00

somethings never change. when i least expect it, there is it. it's sort of a bittersweet thing though. but these days, it's the last thing i need. honestly. and i know i wanted closure, but i was so close in just forgetting and putting it all behind me. and granted, it's probably nothing and is harmless. but, i'm a woman. i'm allowed to be dramatic.

2003-09-30T22:17:00.000-05:00

it's been 30 years. they endured hardships. they experienced joy beyond belief. they laughed together and at one another. they shed tears together and for one another. day in and day out, they stuck by each other. through it all, their love was (and still is) strong. it's evident in their lives and in their own children. i don't know how they did it (and still do it). i can barely stand

2003-09-24T16:43:00.000-05:00

and then, there was one... i've come to realize my lot in life. and i'm totally fine with it. to the unknowing, my lot is sad and somewhat self-loathing. but, to me, it's reality. and reality is what i need to accept. i'm coming to the age where i can no longer daydream about mr. perfect, the high-paying, low-stress, glamourous job, and the posh, yuppy local. so, here i am - single,

2003-09-16T16:25:00.000-05:00

it's really hard when you know your loved ones are hurting so bad. 'cause the hurt only causes you pain. so, i've been dealing with it by just going on. i don't care to tell people about it. i don't care to talk about it. i don't care to tell the story over and over and over again. i don't care to cry in front of people. and i certainly don't care for people's pity on me and my family. '

2003-09-14T23:41:00.000-05:00

it's a dream fulfilled. well, for the most part. this is only a small part of my obsession of everything British. the vehicle - Land Rover Discovery. you can imagine the joy i am experiencing. but, as happy as i am with my car, i'm not completely lost in the happy moment. 'cause right now, there is something much more important going on. and it's put everything else into perspective.

2003-09-09T22:05:00.000-05:00

day two of work and i want out. well, not "out" exactly, but something close to it. and to my surprise, it has nothing to do with the students. the joking has become seriously annoying and offending. maybe i'm not thick-skinned enough, but the last i checked, making fun of a person's race isn't funny - especially after the recipient said it wasn't funny. i'm just really tired of the "jokes."