:: The Princess Diaries ::

:: 30.9.03 ::

it's been 30 years. they endured hardships. they experienced joy beyond belief. they laughed together and at one another. they shed tears together and for one another. day in and day out, they stuck by each other. through it all, their love was (and still is) strong. it's evident in their lives and in their own children. i don't know how they did it (and still do it). i can barely stand being with the same person for longer than a few hours (with certain exceptions). but, for 30 years, my parents did it. that's why they're my heroes. and words will never be able to express the love, respect, and gratitude i have for them.

Happy Anniversary, Mom and Dad.

:: debbie 9/30/2003 10:17:00 pm [+] ::
...

and then, there was one...

i've come to realize my lot in life. and i'm totally fine with it. to the unknowing, my lot is sad and somewhat self-loathing. but, to me, it's reality. and reality is what i need to accept. i'm coming to the age where i can no longer daydream about mr. perfect, the high-paying, low-stress, glamourous job, and the posh, yuppy local. so, here i am - single, destined to work the unglorifying job no one else wants and get paid peanuts, and live with my parents. but, that's all right! i've come to realize that what we live everyday is life. to escape it and live in your own world will get you a ticket into the locked ward. so, as my close friends begin moving on in their lives - finding "men," earning the big bucks, and greeting their doormen at the end of the day - i will be with my only material asset, my disco (which one day will break down on me), while my parents tuck me into bed. the acceptance of my lot in life has made going through my daily routine much easier and i am without bitterness. really, i'm serious. because at the end of the day, i will be all right with where my life is. i'll have no regrets and will not wonder, "what if?"

:: debbie 9/24/2003 04:43:00 pm [+] ::
...

it's really hard when you know your loved ones are hurting so bad. 'cause the hurt only causes you pain. so, i've been dealing with it by just going on. i don't care to tell people about it. i don't care to talk about it. i don't care to tell the story over and over and over again. i don't care to cry in front of people. and i certainly don't care for people's pity on me and my family. 'cause somewhere in this God-awful mess, is some reason - some reason that is unknown to me and my family for this pain and the stinging reminder to NEVER take your loved ones for granted.

:: debbie 9/16/2003 04:25:00 pm [+] ::
...

it's a dream fulfilled. well, for the most part. this is only a small part of my obsession of everything British. the vehicle - Land Rover Discovery. you can imagine the joy i am experiencing.

but, as happy as i am with my car, i'm not completely lost in the happy moment. 'cause right now, there is something much more important going on. and it's put everything else into perspective.

:: debbie 9/14/2003 11:41:00 pm [+] ::
...

day two of work and i want out. well, not "out" exactly, but something close to it. and to my surprise, it has nothing to do with the students. the joking has become seriously annoying and offending. maybe i'm not thick-skinned enough, but the last i checked, making fun of a person's race isn't funny - especially after the recipient said it wasn't funny. i'm just really tired of the "jokes." 'cause you know what? they're not funny. in fact, they're old and racist. and if they're not racist, they're demeaning. and if i came out and "joked" about his race, i would seem like the racist coworker. i can't stand double standards. they all think i'm this soft-voiced, mild-mannered, polite girl. only if they knew...

:: debbie 9/09/2003 10:05:00 pm [+] ::
...

first day (with the kids) - MY DEAR GOD!!! WAS IT ONLY THE FIRST DAY?!?! only like one hundred seventy-eight days or so left. nah, it actually wasn't so bad. i mean, aside from one of my coworkers popping a ligament in her ankle, a student foaming at the mouth and spitting on me, a student drooling on his math homework, frantic freshmen nervous about high school, freezing temperatures, and no computers, the day wasn't so bad. no, but really, it was good seeing the kids again (some more than others, but still.) i'd be lying if i said i didn't have my favorites, so i won't say anything. but, i must say that the highlight of my day was seeing my most favoritest student, fitzgerald. fitz has a special charisma about him that can only be appreciated in-person. me explaining or sharing a story would do no justice. but, i can say this - no matter how bad of a day you are having, seeing and talking with fitz can completely change that. there have been countless days when i was in a bad mood and once fitz came to our room, i immediately felt better.

one of the great things about these kids is how happy they are to be in school. they say they don't want to start school, but you can see it in their smiles. they are just beeming the minute they step in the room. 'cause unlike many spoiled, ungrateful high school students, they see what they have. they feel safe and finally feel like they belong. our class is one of the few places where they are accepted for who they are and welcomed without judgement. they can be themselves and their teachers really like them. i can honestly say that i work with the greatest students. ever.

:: debbie 9/08/2003 11:09:00 pm [+] ::
...

it's been fun while it lasted, but it's time. you came into my life a few years ago. it was not my choice for us to be together, but you proved to be dependable. in the beginning, it was fun. you were my first and i had you all to myself. we spent a lot of time together and we went to a lot of places. but, you're wearing out and cannot keep up. as time goes on and with every trip we take, you make me more and more nervous. you're old. i'm afraid you'll give up and i'll lose you. and even though i am fond of you, i know our time together is ending. i need to let go of you before i completely lose you and you're of no worth. i'll always remember you as my first. you'll always have a place in my heart. thanks for the memories, ben z.

to my soon-to-be: it's true love. i've admired from afar for years - years of wanting. i've always wondered what you really looked like up-close. everytime i saw you pass by somewhere, i looked in awe. i read such good things about you and knew you had to be mine. some tried to tell me otherswise and discouraged me, saying you'd be too much. but, in my heart, i knew. i knew that there was nothing else i wanted. the day came when i was able to see you up-close. gorgeous. i never laid my eyes on something so nice, so right for me. and then, finally, i was able to take you out. everything was so smooth and so different from what i was used to. there was height and depth to you. i was nervous, but at the same time, i was felt like i was smiling from ear to ear. it was everything i had expected and more. and now that i've experienced you for myself, i can say with full assurance, you're the one for me. i've been waiting so long. but, i need to be patient, 'cause soon enough, we'll be together, disco.

:: debbie 9/06/2003 10:54:00 pm [+] ::
...

i always thought it would be easier to forget a person if he or she was far away from me. the more distance, the easier it would be to forget. knowing i'd never have to see that person ever again would help me to get over whatever happened (or didn't.) out of sight, out of mind. but, that's apparently not the case. and it's driving me nuts. for the most part, knowing that he's not anywhere near chicago helps. but, once i see or hear something that reminds me of him, it all comes back to me. and then, i either regret or contemplate. i regret the lack of closure (and i hate closure too), even if it meant getting hurt. i contemplate emailing to see if i'll get a response. i've been trying to figure out what it was about him that just won't let me forget. and for the life of me, i don't know. well, there's no concrete answer. but, there was obviously something or else, i would've forgotten by now. i know (and have been told) that he was all wrong for me. but, it doesn't matter. i know (and have been told) that i should hate him for what he's done. but i don't. and i'm afraid that if he ever came back into my life, i'd be too forgiving and welcome him back with open arms. but, call me pessimistic (or realistic), i'm pretty sure that i'll never see or hear from him again. now, i'm stuck with having to wait it out. i hate waiting.

:: debbie 9/03/2003 01:29:00 am [+] ::
...

i've been tempted to email to "just say hi." but, i shouldn't. you'd figure that after all of these months, i'd have moved on. but, i haven't. and i can't really figure out why. i'd really like to forget and just put it all behind me. the others were easier to forget - and i knew them better and spent more time with them. it's not to say that i didn't enjoy the time shared, but it's been a couple of months now. i'm reminded a lot and that just makes it harder to forget. i need to completely let go and move on.

:: debbie 9/02/2003 12:11:00 am [+] ::
...

i've got another thing i want to add to my not-so-ordinary/not-so-everyday list thing: notorious b.i.g.

a ginseng party - being surrounded by an incredible amount of asians in a small space. that's my worst nightmare. but, it actually turned out to be fun. that's just because of the ladies i was with. thanks girls! all right, what is it with these guys at clubs? they are so putrid and so sad. they try dancing with girls by just sneaking up from behind? do they think the girl won't notice? how sad are they? and there is just something about these asian guys (most of them) who go clubbing that make me ill. they're creepy, gross, and slimey looking. and really, pal, take a hint. do you enjoy being rejected repeatedly?

:: debbie 9/01/2003 04:20:00 am [+] ::
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