:: The Princess Diaries ::

:: 28.12.03 ::

in my attempt to blog something deep, witty, and/or clever, i've come up with nothing. it's winter break, so any part of me that might have been deep, witty, and/or clever is on hiatus. so, i figured that i should probably just blog about what's been weighing heavily on my mind lately.

i've mentioned this before, but i think it's worth mentioning again - growing up sucks (well, these days, it does.) i've come to realize though, that while the process of growing up is hard, it doesn't have to be as hard as some make it out to be. and i happen to have the lovely misfortune of experiencing it harder than it should be. just when i thought i was done dealing with the drama and the games, here they come again. only this time, it's more complicated and more hurtful. if i could run away from it, i would. in a heartbeat, i'd take off. but, current circumstances aren't allowing me to. besides, that's not the grown-up thing to do, is it? damn, that's right. i'm supposed to be grown-up about everything, right?

what happen to the days of playing on the jungle gym with your friends during recess? what happen to the days when the only thing wrong with boys was their cooties? what happen to the days of being friends forever? what happen to the days of endless possibilities and "living happily ever after"? had i known how difficult and annoying being an adult was, i would have enjoyed my youth more and would not have wanted to grow up so quickly. because now, there is no recess and no jungle gyms to play on. having cooties is the least of boys' worries. the "forever" part in friendships has its conditions and apparently, "forever" doesn't hold the same meaning anymore. the endless possibilities has its stipulations and comes to a deadend. and "living happily ever after" is only for storybooks. but, maybe - just maybe - a part of growing up is remembering what it's like to be a child and holding on to it. maybe, a part of growing up is putting away the need for games and drama. and maybe, a part of growing up is keeping the uncomplicated uncomplicated. would that make it less complicated? less hurtful? easier to deal with? pretty soon, i'll be turning 25 and the growing up will continue. i don't think it'll get easy, but it doesn't have to be any harder.

i want to remember. i need to remember.

:: debbie 12/28/2003 10:37:00 pm [+] ::
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i'm blogging this because i don't want to read any inane, waste of breath excuses others might come up with.

what is it with high school students these days? now, i know i've been out of high school for a good amount of time, but it hasn't been that long. students and teachers have always had their differences. and that's fine. it's always going to be like that. but the disrespect, talking back, and physical aggression are NOT necessary. i'm sorry. true, some teachers can get out of line and take advantage of the authority they have, and they will be dealt with accordingly. but, whatever the case may be, students do not have the right to act out towards teachers. it's more than just the talking back, which i will not tolerate. students are beginning to get into teachers' faces, as if they want to fight. students are also physically acting out towards teachers. now, i'm not talking about high schools in chicago where the kids live in harsh neighborhoods, surrounded by street violence. i'm talking about a high school in the northern suburbs of chicago, where kids live in nice houses and can cross the street without the fear of being shot. in any given week, the review board sheet will list students who have committed an array of things (theft, insubordination, gang involvement, fighting, assault, etc.) do these kids realize that they are not from the ghetto? they are well off kids, who wear expensive designer clothes and drive fancy cars that mommy and daddy bought for them. mere babes in the whole scheme of things. and i'm sorry, where are the parents in all of this? how are such things tolerated by the parents? 'cause i know if i were one of these kids, my parents would have beat the "tough" attitude out of me. i can't stand work these days, because of these students. and if it were up to me (and it's probably better that it's up not to me), they'd all be out. let's send them where they would really have to fight for themselves. 'cause they don't know how good they have it. spoiled brats. ugh.

:: debbie 12/17/2003 08:57:00 pm [+] ::
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i've been dreading going to this wedding - for one reason or another. but, since i rsvp-ed and he was a friend (at one point or another in my life), i went. (oh yeah - people, when we rsvp, we need to follow through. it's tactless to rsvp and not show up when we're expected to be somewhere.) it was a nice wedding, though. it was simple and classy. and regardless of whatever happened in the past, i was happy for him. i was happy to see him and his family happy. after all, that's why we go to weddings, right? to celebrate and share in another person's happiness?

anyway, i saw a lot of people from my past - way past. and while it was good seeing old faces, it took me back to a time when people had this image of me burned into their minds. a time when i used to try so hard to live up to this reputation, as to not disappoint these people. but, that's not me anymore. and i know people are taken aback when they realize i'm not the sweet, little girl they thought i was. i'm no longer the girl, who follows her brother and his friends around. and i'm certainly not the quiet, "yes" girl anymore. it's been over 10 years and a lot has happened in 10 years, people. and while i might be sorry that you're disappointed, i'm not sorry for being the person i am now.

well, at least, i had a good time with my brother and cousin. that can always be expected.

:: debbie 12/13/2003 10:29:00 pm [+] ::
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it was probably one of the best conversations i've had in a long time. tonight's conversation was three years in the making. there are things that people tell you and you just kind of take it in. it doesn't particularly mean anything significant. but, every so often, someone who matters to you (probably more than you realize) will say something and it'll just stay with you. even though it's something you've heard before from other people, hearing it this time just means more. it's like the assurance you've been waiting to hear all your life. to know that someone believes in you and what you're going to become, it's a wonderful feeling. and after a particularly terrible, discouraging, and draining semester, this was exactly what i wanted and needed to hear. thank you.

:: debbie 12/09/2003 11:44:00 pm [+] ::
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there's an elephant in the living room. you can ignore it. you can walk around it. you can deny its presence. but, it's there and it ain't going nowhere.

the person who said relationships don't change things lied. the person who says that relationships won't change things is a liar. 'cause i don't believe for one second that this is true. relationships always change things. a person may not want it to or intend it to, but it does. it can't be helped. i'm not saying that the change is always negative. but, change is change and normally, people don't like change. so, instead of blaming it all on being busy, distance, or whatever, let's see it for what it really is. 'cause false accusations and denial only make adjusting worse. and let's not just sit around hoping no one will notice or think that it will go away. 'cause it won't.

before, i used to look forward to getting older and experiencing "the prime of my life." but, i was not made privy to everything that came along with aging and growing up. so, if this is truly supposed to be the prime of my life, please let me go back to kindergarten. 'cause this majorly blows chunks.

if you think this was about you in any way, get off your high horse. i'm just reflecting.

:: debbie 12/02/2003 09:48:00 pm [+] ::
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