:: The Princess Diaries ::

:: 29.3.04 ::

i was angered in class tonight. i rarely say anything in my classes. but, if provoked enough, i will unleash my fury. yeah, that's right, my fury. some people like to think that just because i belong to the minority, i automatically accept and support affirmative action. well, i'm not that easily won over. why should my race decide whether or not i'm accepted by some school or some organization? shouldn't it be my merits and my hardwork? since when was your ethnicity a merit? perhaps it comes from putting up with the pity (and crap) of the majority. if what our country is supposed to stand for is equality amongst all peoples, why should race play a part? i don't want some handout or free pass because i'm the token asian or whatever. if i want something that badly, i'm going to work for it just like everyone else or every white person is. i don't doubt that affirmative action works in favor of me or the rest of the minority (some of the time), and that's nice. who doesn't want a little help when you're fighting against the odds? but, who wants to win a fight out of pity or because "you're a part of the underrepresented group." kiss my korean butt, you of the majority who think you're doing me a favor. i don't need your pity and i'm not your charity case or cause. if i'm going to prove something and make my mark, why do i need your help? how is the majority fighting my battles for me going to make a point? i'm going to fight my own battles and if you'd like to help, fine. but, don't try to be my savior with your "progressive", pretend to be poor when you're really not, pitying, hippy love. i'd rather be on my own, even if it means i don't win. and just because, you, the majority, say something should be so for the minority, it doesn't mean i agree or that it's completely right. being a part of the minority doesn't mean that i'm any weaker or any less able than you, the majority. and there is no classroom lecture, journal article, research study, or personal account that will enable you to experience and know what it truly feels like to be the minority. in the end, this is what i say to you, "sucks to your assmar!"

:: debbie 3/29/2004 09:08:00 pm [+] ::
...

i'm not sure what made me decide to read the old emails (which i should have deleted), but i did. but man, was it a bad idea.
so, with that said, can someone PLEASE, STOP THE MADNESS!!! i can't take it any longer. for the life of me, i can't figure out why i can't just let go. i've been able to let go in the past, so why not this time? what's so different about this one (aside from the superficial qualities)? i mean, there was nothing particularly admirable or spectacular about our time together. in fact, to many, it was a bad situation, in which i could "do better." SO, WHAT GIVES?!? if it was all wrong for me, why the nagging and lingering thoughts & feelings? HUH? WHY? true, the pestering, intense feelings have subsided, but every so often, the memories, the questions, and the curiousities all come back. and it consumes every bit of me. so, while i want to and need to, i can't let go completely. and now, i can't help but feel that was my chance and i missed it.

:: debbie 3/25/2004 11:59:00 pm [+] ::
...

just when i thought things couldn't get worse and i thought there was nothing else to fix - i was wrong (surprise, surprise.) today, i spent way too long trying to find the damn land rover dealership in lake bluff (lucky for them, their estimate was the lowest.) but, it didn't end there. i had to take my damaged car with the new front breaks and roters back to land rover hoffman estates only to be told that the damage might not be covered under the warranty and that i had to be without my car, again. i know my car is a material possession and in the grand scheme of things, this is nothing because there are people who are starving, dying, or both. but, let's get real. i'm not saying that my problems are so major that the world needs to stop with the war on terrorism and pay attention to debbie kim's automotive and financial woes. that's not the case, at all. the point i'm trying to make is... well, no point at all. i just want to whine.

:: debbie 3/22/2004 11:00:00 pm [+] ::
...

so, it's been a week of revelations. not new revelations necessarily, but revelations, nonetheless.
revelation #1: my ed. law class is filled with celebrity look-alikes. the professor looks like matthew broderick and there's a guy who slightly looks like an overgrown version of bono.
revelation #2: the only socks that fit me can be bought at gap kids.
revelation #3: my aging body can't tolerate the cold anymore.
revelation #4: i go to caribou way too much. another regular asked me if he was going to see me tomorrow.
revelation #5: while i am never approached by people around my age, people who are old enough to by my parents or my grandparents are always talking to me.
revelation #6: mohawks are never an appealing hairstyle. especially if you happen to be the ill-dressing caribou guy. what a waste...
revelation #7: if i finish all of my work before the weekend, what would i do over the weekend?
revelation #8: i need to see in order to believe. i drove past work twice, 'cause i had to know if he was still there.
revelation #9: while my interest is high, i really don't think anything is going to become of what started as my self-inflicted deadline.
revelation #10: no matter how ugly things turned out, i don't regret booking this trip one bit.
revelation #11: this time around, i'm convinced i, the daughter, didn't do anything wrong.
revelation #12: it was an empty threat, 'cause there is no way i can afford to move out right now.
revelation #13: i should never drive with my glasses on and with tears in my eyes.
revelation #14: it's just me, myself, and i. 'cause monday night, i felt like i had no one to turn to and no one to go to.
revelation #15: the only way my family and i are going to survive is if i get out of this house, city, state, and/or country.
revelation #16: am i really 25? 'cause with recent events (and probably by reading this entry), you'd think i was 16.

and it all leads to this ---
ultimate revelation of the week: something is seriously wrong with me.

:: debbie 3/11/2004 08:44:00 pm [+] ::
...

the bad, inconsiderate daughter strikes again. all i want to do is just go away for a short time to relax and re-coop. and if it happens to be by myself, what is the big deal? i'm a big girl now. i'm pretty sure i can take care of myself. if you're wondering where i get the balls to do this on my own and the lack of fear in my life - it comes from you, the woman i've known for my whole life. you taught me to be like this.

if i could choose to be alone - both physically and relationally - i would do it in a heartbeat right now.

:: debbie 3/09/2004 10:21:00 am [+] ::
...

so, you'd think after all this time, i'd be able to forget. but, i haven't. 'cause, not only have i kept the emails sent to me, i've saved the ones i sent. but, is it really that bad i can't let go? it's not like i'm obsessed or severely attached or anything. i just haven't forgotten. and i think in some ways, it's good for me to remember. 'cause even though the situation wasn't the best, those were good times and the memories are good ones. it's the first time that i don't regret giving my heart and so much of myself to someone. and call me a sucker, but i hold no grudges and if given a chance to rekindle, i would. but, for now (and until further notice), reality must settle in and i need not dwell on what could have been.

someone asked me today if i felt any different being 25. and after taking a moment to think about it, i don't. should i? do i want to feel different? i've lived for a quarter of a century now and can't tell if there's any difference in me or in my life. if there is any difference, it hasn't been progressive. oh well. what are ya gonna go? such is life.

:: debbie 3/02/2004 08:48:00 pm [+] ::
...