:: The Princess Diaries ::

:: 20.4.04 ::

i had this dream last night that i was running (i know, that in itself is bizarre and hard to believe) and i couldn't stop. i just kept running and running. no matter how tired i was and even though i was having muscle spasms everywhere, i kept going. i just couldn't stop and wanted to so badly. it was a terrible feeling. i woke up really tense and stiff. weird, huh? maybe it was some subliminal message for me to start exercising. maybe i'm running from something (like my life). pat told me that it meant that i was going to experience some "change" in my life. whatever it means or doesn't mean, i can't have a dream like that again. it just made me too sore.

:: debbie 4/20/2004 04:35:00 pm [+] ::
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i don't wanna care anymore.

:: debbie 4/18/2004 10:00:00 pm [+] ::
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i'm not exactly sure what's come over me lately, but it's probably the same nagging thing that's been dormant in me for some time now. i'm having those desires and wants to leave again. but this time, it's not just to get away for a little. this time, it's for a much longer period of time, if not permanently. i've been holding it in for awhile now and spewed it all out to my "study" partner last night at caribou. there's this inner battle going on between what i want to do and what i should do. 'cause right now, there's no agreement or compromise between the two. i did come to realize and accept that moving to england might have to wait a little. before, i thought i would stick it out in chicago for a few, but i don't think i can anymore. i need out. i'm getting more and more restless and it's killing me. i was advised not to leave chicago to runaway or escape people or situations or both. but, it's not like that. and this isn't some big thing to prove my independence. i need to leave to get away from all this crap in order to save my sanity. i need to know that it's possible to live an uncomplicated, undramatic life. true, i'm not 100% sure that i'm supposed to leave, but how will i ever know if i don't try? i need to experience it for myself, even if it means hauling my belongings across the country. and if in the end, it all brings me back to chicago, so be it. i just can't live with any regrets. i can't wonder, "what if?" i'm just so tired of being somewhere i don't belong and don't feel "at home." and i'm even more tired of second guessing people i trust and fending for myself so much. no more. home is feeling less and less like home. and, that sucks.

:: debbie 4/16/2004 08:35:00 pm [+] ::
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for sometime now, i've been hoping & planning to move away from chicago & really start my life. but, there was always something holding me back. i thought it was the people (family, friends, & the like) who were keeping me here. but, it was more than that. it was the history & connection between me, the people, & the city that kept me here. i didn't want to lose sight of what i had. but, that's all changing now & has been for some time. i'm becoming easily agitated with people (who normally wouldn't bother me) and feel less and less a part of the communities i'm supposed to belong to. the connection i once had with others no longer exists. i don't count on the people around me because they're "friends" or because i've known them for years. i don't know where i stand with people & and if an understanding can ever be reached. & the history no longer means that much. they're memories and that's what they should stay as. i can no longer hold on to the memories and hope that whatever was once there, still exists. 'cause whatever was once there, is no longer present. there's very little for me to hold on to in this city. & there's very little for me to believe in & hope for anymore. don't get me wrong. i love this city. it's been my home for 25 years now. for the first 18 years of my life, i knew nothing else but chicago. & chicago has great things that can't be found in other cities (buffalo joe's, lake shore drive, the cubs, beautiful skyline). but, sometimes, those things aren't enough to keep you. the things and people i once thought would always be there, aren't anymore. perhaps that was naive on my part to believe that, but it was my hope. it was what kept me going, kept me believing, & kept me here. but, it's slowly becoming no longer. and if friendships are truly meant to be and memories are truly cherished, it shouldn't matter where i am. and sometimes, it's just best to leave, in order to salvage what you have.

:: debbie 4/10/2004 11:48:00 pm [+] ::
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