:: The Princess Diaries ::

:: 31.8.04 ::

anxiety \Anx*i"e*ty\, n. an abnormal and overwhelming sense of apprehension and fear often marked by physiological signs (as sweating, tension, and increased pulse), by doubt concerning the reality and nature of the threat, and by self-doubt about one's capacity to cope with it.

mather, here i come.

:: debbie 8/31/2004 10:40:00 pm [+] ::
...

with only a few weeks left to go, the drama is beginning. the drama we call, "uic's special education program". i'm amazed at how one minute, something can be told, so that a large group of people can make the appropriate arrangements. and then, the next minute, it's all changed. and that group of people, who need to pay their bills, raise their families, and survive, are supposed to accommodate one person. it's ridiculus. it's bad enough that the coming semester is going to be difficult, stressful, challenging, discouraging, time-consuming, and painful, all at once. but, this change is something that is just going to make it that much more unpleasant. but, you gotta pick and choose your battles. and as much as i might want to throw a tantrum and complain to the dept. chair, it's just not going to be worth the stress and then, working with a very bitter supervising prof.
i don't mean to be pessimistic or anything, but i'm not looking forward to this semester - at all. but, if a silver lining can be found, it's this: it's going to hopefully put life into perspective for me. i'm going to be doing a 180 - affluent suburban high school to struggling urban high school; an abundant supply of resources to out-dated texts & no supplies; eager, willing students who love school to "i'm lucky if they show-up" students; and a steady, even though very small, income to "only enough to pay for my gas" income.
so, hopefully, at the end of the semester, i can come out a little bit wiser and that much more greatful. and who knows, maybe after this experience, i'll want to teach in cps. yeah, probably not.

so, with that said, no matter how bored i get, i'm going to soak it in. 'cause, before i know it, i'll be dying to just get a moment where i don't have to think about behavior issues, lesson plans, readings, and how to overcome the obstacle that is uic.

i can't wait.

:: debbie 8/16/2004 10:06:00 pm [+] ::
...

dk in ny (so clever, i am)

for as many times i've been out of town and for as many times i've been in new york city, this time around was different.

i had never been on vacation with my cousins, not even on one of those huge family vacations to niagara falls. and though my cousins are substantially younger than me, we get along well. they pretty much made up the itinerary and i just made sure it was managable. and who knew after all these years that they were so into the lifestyles of the rich and famous? i never would have considered going into such high class stores. but, thanks to my cousins, i've experienced henri bendel, berfdorf goodman, marc jacobs, etc. and solidified that i will never find a place amongst such people. and that's all right. it was great spending time with them. they are such a riot and make my laugh so much.

after 19 and 21 years, my "little" cousins aren't so little anymore.

once in a very long while, i have conversations that pierce me and are just what i need to hear. the words shared aren't always sweet, nice words. they don't feed into my fantasies or puff up my ego. rather, they are words that are a reality check for me. the first night, the words came from someone i've known for more years than i can remember. up until that night, i felt like i was alone in my thoughts. but, she knew. she could relate to what i was going through. and she was, in a way, doing what i want to do. the frustration i was feeling was taken away from me that night, as i shared my concerns and fears. i was heard. and that means more to me than anyone will ever know. and then, my last night, the words came from someone i feel like i've known for years. but, we've only known one another for a few years. she helped me to see that the closure i was so desparately looking for had happened. i just didn't want to accept it. she knew what i was going through and why i wanted to hold on so badly. but, she's right. it's done. i had closure when he left and there was no response.

words can make or break a person. this past week, a little bit more of me was made whole.

:: debbie 8/08/2004 11:09:00 pm [+] ::
...