:: The Princess Diaries ::

:: 27.1.04 ::

i normally don't read newspaper articles that aren't about education, the cubs, or some outrageous scandal. but, an article in sunday's travel section caught my eye and i ended up reading it. i admit it was the picture of australia that interested me initially, but as i read the article, it couldn't have hit home harder. the article, "thoughts of home", is a bit too long to include; but here's the gist: the article was written by lauren cabell, a former tribune editor who resigned in 2002 to travel. she begins the article by saying, "home might be where the heart is, but that description doesn't help those of us with a restless spirit." she goes on to tell how she decided one day to put her belongings in storage and start travelling the world. she left her family, friends, and job behind to travel. all she had was the backpack on her back and the great, wide open ahead of her.

"home changes as we change. and it seems that for every person searching for home, there is one more seeking to escape it. it ties us down, it defines us, yet its anchor also provides us with the freedom we need to relax and be ourselves. home is a settled state of mind, even when the particulars of position are unsettled."
and for me, nothing can be further from the truth. there was a point when chicago was the only place i knew. it was in my blood and it's where i thought i'd be forever. little did i know of the world beyond the chicago city limits. and as i left for undergrad and began to travel, i began to yearn for more -- i wanted to see more, experience more, and know more. and as i did that, i wandered further from the place i knew for so many years. now, i'm finding myself in a place that's in between what i knew and what i want to know. i feel like i'm in this weird state of purgatory paying penance for some awful wrong i did when i was twelve or something. and as i get closer to being able to leave for where i think i am destined, there's less holding me back, but still so much that won't let go. but, more than my pursuit for a destination, it's the settled state of mind that i want to badly and somwhere i can truly call home.

"when there is no place that you have decided to call your own, then no matter where you go, you are always heading home." - old japanese saying

:: debbie 1/27/2004 09:26:00 pm [+] ::
...

you know, eversince i decided to really let go of certain things, my life has been much more bearable. it's like this really heavy weight's been taken off my back. and i love it. though it hasn't really been resolved, i've resolved it within myself and that's all that matters at this point. some may think that the decision i made was harsh and a bit unkind, but it's made a world of difference to me. and now, i can go back to muddling over the trivial things in my life, like aging, deciding what to do over spring break, and situations that involve interns. it's wonderful. perhaps, i should let go of things more often.

:: debbie 1/26/2004 02:01:00 pm [+] ::
...

i know i've only been at work for two weeks since my break, but i need this three day weekend like you can't believe. i can tell you why i need it and you can say that you understand and feel the same, but no, you just can't. it's not possible, unless you're me.

i'm becoming more and more effected by these kids. it's getting harder to not allow myself to get wrapped up in their lives. i used to be able to leave everything in the classroom at the end of the day, but i can't anymore. there's too much going on in their lives and it's all so complicated. and though, it's their lives, they bring it all with them to school. 'cause they don't know how to leave it outside of school. and these days, i leave school with it all - the tragedies, the intense emotions, the frustration, and the fear and worry. it all leaves me just completely and utterly worn out. i guess if i didn't really care about these kids and their well-being, i'd be all right. but, i do care about them - deeply. the only thing is that when i leave with it, i keep it. i hold onto these things. i don't discuss these things in detail (or at all) for one reason or another. 'cause unless one wants to hear about the pain and hurt these kids are going through and how it's effecting me so badly, i won't say. i care about these kids too much to let their lives fall on deaf ears.

i don't mean to sound rude or anything, but please don't tell me that you know how i feel. 'cause you don't. you have no idea. and, you probably don't want to.

:: debbie 1/16/2004 09:56:00 pm [+] ::
...

it was always my thought that new year's resolutions and the like were of no use. they're made to be broken - for me, at least. but, i feel like something's over come me this year. so, here's my resolution of sorts:

so, i've decided to wipe my hands clean of it. i'm tired of dealing with the drama and the lack of closure in it. it's been going on for several months now and probably several months too long. it sounds terrible, i know. but, i'm through with it. i'm not going to react either way. i'm not going to get mad or upset about it anymore. but, i'm also not going to fake like nothing happened. i guess, i'm just going to accept the present conditions as the end result and just deal. i'm through playing games and participating in such drama. it's time for me to outgrow these things. if things can be worked out and everyone lives happily ever after, great. if things cannot be worked out, it'll suck, but life will go on. so, whatever may come of this, i will just accept and move on. call it what you'd like and call me what you'd like, but you're not the one caught in this. i don't like the person this situation has made me into. so, i'm just going to remove myself from it all completely and walk away.

:: debbie 1/03/2004 10:58:00 pm [+] ::
...

well, there goes another year. so, let's get this party started and take a look back. 'cause once again, you know you want to know.

2003: year in review
- year of travelling (aka. escaping):
+ returning to london 5 months after i got back
+ a trip to the dirty south, new orleans, with my kindred
+ mexico vacation with my girls - a vacation years in the making
+ the golly green giant and sprout shopping and chilling in naples... florida
+ a visit to my ol' stomping grounds in boston
- my on again/off again situation. it was fun while it lasted, i guess. and for some reason, it never gets old.
- coordinating phyllis and phil's july 4th wedding
- rekindled my love for #44. every night, i look at him on my nightstand before i go to bed.
- a great summer with the boys - cubbies, we were so close!
- legs: pale no longer. laying out and roasting every chance i got. melanoma, anyone?
- seeing ben&jack in milwaukee. ben&jack - great. milwaukee - not so great.
- monday night "studying" at caribou
- my on-going adventures with the glenview caribou-oys
- ginseng party - sealing the deal on my opinion of asian males.
- obtaining the love of my life: my oxford blue disco - worth every penny and every gallon of gas
- losing my grandmother and experiencing the ultimate heartbreak
- the surprise return and quick disappearance of non-profit months after leaving
- exiting my life: non-profit. entering my life: social work. all thanks to my hero.
- i spoke too soon and now, i'm being tested, not knowing what the results are going to be. it was bound to happen, i guess.
- my brother and my endless entertainment and amusement with the tape recorder - at my mother's expense
- project self-control I & II - it was hard, but sun and i didn't do too shabby. well, sun didn't.
- evening skyline viewings at the museum campus when i needed a break
- being able to spend time with the my favorite toddler - it's amazing what a three and a half year old can teach you.
- drama, drama, and some more DRAMA! most of it, i could have done without. unfortunately, you don't always get to decide that.

2003's been a rough one, especially after such a great 2002. 2003 felt like a terrible sequal or something. but, it's done and over with. and i can only hope that after having such a crap year, 2004 will be better.

2004 coming attractions
- hopefully, more encounters and conversations with the intern and trying to forget about a certain someone else
- finishing grad. school and getting a real jobby job - even if it kills me
- no longer being on staff in the anchor program
- more good times with my favorite toddler
- turning 25 and indulging my quarter life crisis
- searching for my next destination and planning more escapes - i mean, vacations.
- making my future in england a reality
- doing my utmost best to cut out the drama in my life, 'cause i'm sick of the drama.

two thousand and three - it's been fun, but it hasn't been real fun. two thousand and four - let's do this!

keyword for 2004: simplify

:: debbie 1/01/2004 11:59:00 pm [+] ::
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