:: The Princess Diaries ::

:: 20.8.07 ::

i'm a person who needs closure. whether that closure leads to broken relationships or new and better experiences, i just need it. i need it to give me the green light to move on with my life without wondering "what if?" or having it hold me back.

five years ago, i ventured off to oxford, england. what was supposed to be a time of travel and study became the best time of my life. after i came back, the following year was a time of self-realization, fun times, fond memories, and experiences & people i still can't let go of. an encounter in charlotte reminded me of that time and i've found myself dwelling on this again to the point that i can't sleep. it's been a long time, but i need to do something about it. my options are limited and it may not even be a viable choice. but, it's all i've got right now. i feel like if i can close this chapter of my life, i can be freed of it and move on with my life. no more comparisons. no more fruitless hope.

the results can either be one of excitement and elation. or, it could be one of disappointment and hardening of the heart. whatever the outcome is, i have to at least try. the lack of closure has left this part of my life hanging and me emotionally entwined with it. i do want to put it behind me. i want to be able to look back with fondness and without heartache. and, until i can get closure in some form, i will continue to wonder "what if?" and hang on to my own detriment.

so, we'll see. we'll see if i can find some closure. i acknowledge that there's danger in this and that it's maybe not the most healthy way of living. but, if it means being able to truly let go and moving on freely, so be it.

:: debbie 8/20/2007 01:20:00 am [+] ::
...

i've gone a good part of my teenage and adult life pretty self-reliant. i used to pride myself on being so independent. i don't like asking for help because to me, it's a sign of weakness. it's also a pretty good way to hurt one's pride. so, no matter how hard the task or how big the obstacle, i did it on my own - even if it meant getting a few bumps and bruises or sleepless nights. but, i think that's beginning to change - but, not by my choice.
i'm starting to see that i can't do this thing called life on my own. my pride is being stripped of me slowly and in perhaps the most humiliating way. but, it can't be fought anymore. i can't take care of myself by myself. my next days aren't mine and i can't say what's going to happen. and that thought scares me. it's so much more than i can handle and it's more than i want to handle. but, this is what's been handed to me. and this time, i'm going to hand it right back and let Him take care of me.

:: debbie 5/29/2006 10:34:00 pm [+] ::
...

i guess i've had better days. i just don't remember them. it's kind of like my sleeping habits. i don't remember ever waking up feeling well-rested or refreshed. that might be a reason why i sleep so much (along with wanting to avoid life.) whatever the case, i've come to accept that my life is not meant to be ideal or easy or anything close to it. things have never come easy for me. and really, they probably never will.

:: debbie 5/04/2006 10:50:00 pm [+] ::
...

with previous "situations", i knew what to do. poop happens. but, get over it. move on. there'll be someone/something better. it's not worth my time to stress. but, that's not the case with this one. just when i thought i could put it all behind me, there was new information. i could have chosen to not know this information, but i had to know. no regrets, remember? well, now that i have this information, i'm not sure what to do with it or how to react. all i know is that it's eating me up and everything that i thought i had put behind me feels like fresh wounds. i think what's killing me most is that there is nothing i can do. why? why did i let myself get to this point - again?

it wasn't just curiousity that killed that cat. it was hope that made the cat think things were going to be all right.

:: debbie 1/06/2006 11:14:00 pm [+] ::
...

is it over yet? thank goodness. i thought the year would never end. thankfully, the past is in the past. it's time to move on (again.) but, before we do, let's take a look at 2005.

2005 - year in review
- broken heart beginning to mend
- a sad farewell to pwalter, susan, kristen, sean&iain
- farnsworth traded to the detriot tigers. (sniff, sniff...)
- celebrated my 26th in style with the ladies by having dinner at rhapsody and watching the producers
- got my first teaching gig and all the drama that comes along with it.
- coached my first freshmen boys volleyball team (my saving grace after a day's teaching)
- announcing "mr&mrs paul&seung yeon kim"!
- spring break in maryland
- discovering how much i like dc & wouldn't mind moving there (oohh.. think of all the law&justice i'd be surrounded by!)
- 12.april:cubs v padres rained out
- rejected by former employee
- asked to stand in nicole's wedding
- 30.april: white sox v tigers - what a waste! didn't even get to see farnsworth pitch!
- 06.may: cubs v phillies
- graduated from uic (got to wear the gown with the funny sleeves and collar)
- 09.may: U2 concert @ united center (beginning of dk concert series)
- busted the zipper on my bridesmaid's dress
- accepted by employer (what do you people want from me?)
- 29.may: cubs v pirates
- met and got books signed with sweet nothings from david sedaris (how i love him!)
- bridal shower and bachelorette party for mina
- 08.june: cubs v blue jays
- debbie v the bridesmaid's dress (where did all this weight come from?) begins: midal, laxatives, green tea, preperation h with saran wrap - for real!
- debbie v bridesmaid's dress ends: i am victorious!
- announcing "mr&mrs victor&mina low"!
- 03. july: cubs v nationals
- announcing "mr& mrs micheal&esther lee"!
- 21.july: ben harper concert @ vic theatre - went solo
- 23-24.july: dinosaur jr, g.love&special sauce, the killers&lollapalooza @ grant park - it's a good thing i didn't die from the heat.
- 3000 k's for maddux
- farnsworth traded to atlanta
- 08.august: david gray @ vic theatre
- adventures at john barleycorn with cousin juicy begin
- 28.august: jack johnson @ northerly island pavillion - oh, how i love that man! bubble toes all the way!
- 29.august: cubs v dodgers with my pops. i love going to games with my appa.
- labor day weekend in phoenix with sun - who else would go to a city that's 110 degrees, lay out in the sun and NOT come back with a tan? that'd be us.
- beginning of 2005-2006 school year - let the drama begin - again!
- took a risk and asked. oh, the wait killed me! this time around, my efforts were rewarded...
- 27.september: cubs v pirates - was treated to cotton candy (i didn't even have to ask for it!) who knew two people could get along so well so quickly?
- 01.october: jason mraz @ the congress theatre - i am the geek in the pink.
- world series: cheered for the red sox - out. cheered for atlanta - out. cheered for the yankees - out. cheered for st.louis - out. cheered for houston - out. my worst baseball nightmare: white sox win the world series.
- asked to stand in maria's wedding
- 05.november: mix master mike @ joe's bar - that's the way dj-ing should be done!
- long-awaited kim family portraits - damn, we looked good!
- layover visit at o'hare with helen - thank God for low-maintenance friendships!
- met the weasley twins
- this time, it wasn't broken, it was crushed - badly.
- 27 deadline was moved up two months early.
- a slight change in new year's eve celebrations. no more soju for me!

so, that was 2005 in a nutshell. wasn't the best of years, but it wasn't the worst - i think. in any case, it's time to move on. so, where do i go from here? let's see...

2006 - a look ahead
- 02.february : austin hartley-leonard @ subterrerean
- release of curious george the movie and accompanying soundtrack by jack johnson
- the dreaded 27th year.
- hopefully a visit to spring training
- hopefully another season of coaching boys volleyball
- cubs games
- 06.may: nicole's wedding
- 20.may: maria's wedding
- more cubs games
- the continuation of dk's concert series
- some more cubs games
- doing my best to live without drama and heartache
- contemplating running away - again

:: debbie 1/01/2006 10:39:00 pm [+] ::
...

sometimes,
all you want is for someone to ask
instead you of telling.

:: debbie 12/29/2005 12:49:00 am [+] ::
...

i'm not sure when it happened or why it happened, but in the past 5 years, i've become very emotional - the whole range. previous to the 5 years, i was just angry and bitter. not much made me all that happy and i just didn't care for anything or anyone. but, after college, my tear ducts were opened and can't be securely shut anymore. i'm easily sadden by things and cry at way too many things. what is going on here?

i'm writing this on a day that is supposed to be happy and celebrated with one's family. that is not the case here. while i am at home, i am neither happy nor celebrating. it's terrible, i know. i should be celebrating 'cause of the REAL meaning of today. but, the circumstances that surround me are interfering with the festivities. i've been told that i'm a scrooge because of my lack of holiday spirit, festiveness, and blah blah blah. but, if you knew what i grew up with and what i am currently dealing with, you'd understand.

my family has never been a family to be festive or celebratory. we're not a family that surprises one another with thoughtful gifts. my family is very practical and if there's something you want, you can voice your desire, so you won't be disappointed in the end. at some point, i decided i would change this. but, it's hard to change a lifetime's worth of untradition and un-sentimentality. after a few attempts, it becomes hurtful and disappointing. so, it ends. it's not worth the effort. so, if one were to step into my family's world, you wouldn't think it was christmas or even the holidays.

but, this isn't the only reason for the overflow of tears. there's more. there's always more. in fact, i don't know when there won't be anymore.

so, in order to stop this flood of emotions, i've decided to be proactive. i've decided to be proactive about not being proactive. (what? you didn't get that?)

many years ago, i gave myself a deadline. when i reached this deadline, i would live my life as if i were meant to be alone (meaning single.) any and all decisions would be based on what was best for me, the forever single woman. they would not be based on me, the eventually-married with children woman. i'm not vowing to be single and not accept what may come my way (i'm emotional, not stupid.) it's more like if it happens, it happens. but, i'm not going to hold my breath and wait for it to happen.

i'm exactly two months away from my deadline (27th birthday.)

but, due to recent events, i've pushed my deadline up - to now. just when i thought i would be able to let go of my deadline, i was proved wrong - again. so, figuring that nothing is going to change within the next two months, i've pushed my deadline up.

this is better for me. i'm a goal and deadline-oriented person. well, i can be. if i continue to live my life hoping and wondering, i'll harm myself. i can't hold out for something that's not going to happen - that's not meant to happen.

i had my chance and i missed it.

hopefully this can stop the exaggerated emotions.

:: debbie 12/25/2005 10:34:00 pm [+] ::
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