:: The Princess Diaries ::

:: 28.5.04 ::

the thing that really sucks about this crap situation is what it's costing me. i hate feeling awkward, so i have to avoid many situations. and if i can't avoid the situation, i end up feeling awkward and uncomfortable. and remember? i hate that. but, the worst is that now, i have to give up certain small settings, 'cause my feeling awkward and uncomfortable might and probably will make others feel the same. this is the ONLY time this whole thing is a lose-lose situation. 'cause other than that, i'm through it all. i've been through with it all. so, i'm fine.

i'm still wondering why i'm really going this weekend.

:: debbie 5/28/2004 01:55:00 pm [+] ::
...

i've been wondering why i've been put into the situations and places i'm in and what i'm supposed to do about it. and i've come up with that it's to do my best to get out and get away as far as possible from it all. so, now the question is, "when do i go and where?" patience...

:: debbie 5/25/2004 10:29:00 pm [+] ::
...

scoliosis \Sco`li*o"sis\, n. [NL., fr. Gr. skolio`s crooked.] (Med.) A lateral curvature of the spine.

spasm \Spasm\, n. [F. spasme, L. spasmus, Gr. ?, from ?, ?, to draw, to cause convulsion. Cf. Span, v. t.] 1. (Med.) An involuntary and unnatural contraction of one or more muscles or muscular fibers. Note: Spasm are usually either clonic or tonic. In clonic spasm, the muscles or muscular fibers contract and relax alternately in very quick succession. In tonic spasm, the contraction is steady and uniform, and continues for a comparatively long time, as in tetanus.

all this time, i didn't think anything of it. i thought it was an anomaly of some sorts. nope, i was wrong.

:: debbie 5/24/2004 04:17:00 pm [+] ::
...

things could not have been any more awkward and completely uncomfortable. but, i need to be "adult" about it, right? then, let's get it straight. i didn't break "it" up. i am not the only one at fault. it takes two to tango.

:: debbie 5/22/2004 11:35:00 pm [+] ::
...

i've been driving my dad to and from his store this week. the easiest way to get to his store is by driving down lincoln ave. and while, that's all fine and dandy, there's one neighborhood that i don't like driving through. it's not dangerous or shady. it's just that for reasons only known to me (and a few of the privileged), i'd rather not go through that neighborhood. i can do without the good, but slightly painful memories. agh, who am i kidding? i DO want to drive through, but for my sanity's sake, i know i shouldn't. it's been too long and by now, i should be able to forget and let go, right? right... it'll be easier to find another route from the store.

:: debbie 5/18/2004 08:55:00 am [+] ::
...

where do you go when you have nowhere to runaway to?

tonight was yet another reminder that i can't stay. 'cause in order to save whatever's left, something's got to give and someone's got to go.

even if you knew, you'd still have no idea.

:: debbie 5/12/2004 12:12:00 am [+] ::
...

went to go see dr. gueralnick - again. told her that my pains were worse and that the drugs she gave me didn't work. she was very surprised and checked me out again. she told me that the "big" spasm didn't go away and that's why it hurts so much when she presses on it. she said there might be some curvature too. she prescribed me some PT and sent me on my way. she said she hopes i feel better. i hope so too.

but, unlike the pain i've been feeling for nearly a year now, i don't know what exactly is causing the hurt i've been feeling.

in the meantime, i've brought myself back to north to finish up my work and listen to ron&pat on 720.

:: debbie 5/04/2004 11:12:00 pm [+] ::
...

give me one good reason why i should:
go to the retreat.
stay here.
"get over it."
"forgive and forget about it."
not leave.
try.
care.

:: debbie 5/03/2004 01:26:00 pm [+] ::
...