:: The Princess Diaries ::

:: 28.6.04 ::

once again, just as i was ready to make him into a distant memory, he's come back into my life, in some form. i'm not so bothered to have heard about his whereabouts and going-on's, but i'm bothered that i'm still so effected by him. i'm told that i deserve better, but it's not about doing "better." no matter what negative things i'm told, it's just not enough. it's become more apparent that i need to forget about him - further than a distant memory and no trace of a friendship. 'cause this out of sight, out of mind stuff doesn't work for me. my life is a vicious cycle. i'm not quite sure why this is, but it just is. i want something i can't (or shouldn't) have. and just when i'm ready to accept reality, i'm teased with it - again. so, i wrestle with the reminder of what i can't have. hope can be a real killer sometimes.

:: debbie 6/28/2004 11:11:00 pm [+] ::
...

everything that is familiar has become tired and old. i have no patience for what used to be and what i knew. i have no patience for what i know, either.

i gotta get out of this place (and surprisingly, i'm not talking about the house i live in.)

:: debbie 6/21/2004 09:56:00 pm [+] ::
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i have an aunt who, to me, is a spinning image of my paternal grandmother. i didn't know my grandmother for very long. family members tell me that i take after my grandmother a lot. but, the little that i do remember brings me a sense of true happiness and comfort. i don't get to see my aunt often, 'cause she's in korea. so, naturally, i get excited when she's visiting. whenever i see her, i see my grandmother and those precious memories come back to me. somehow, i feel like i'm with my grandmother again, even though it's really my aunt. and it just so happens that she's in town. seeing her this time around, i saw more of who she is and this weird connection between my grandmother, her, and me. i found myself just staring at her, so i could once again remember what my grandmother looked like. she carries about her a gracefulness and wisdom that i'm sure my grandmother had. and apparently, she and i both share the desire to see the world. but, unlike me, my aunt possesses a great faith. she prays and diligently seeks God. if it's possible to have a connection with someone you've only known for a few years or with someone you only see a few times in your life, i've got it. and right now, i'll take what i can get.

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once again, i find myself questioning why i stick around this place. 'cause if i could, i would. and i'm sure that no one would miss me.

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for a moment, i thought about biting the bullet and giving another chance. but, that thought was quickly overturned after i read what i read and felt the urge to scream and punch a hole in the wall.

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is blood thicker than water? no.

:: debbie 6/16/2004 01:46:00 am [+] ::
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is blood thicker than water? not always.

:: debbie 6/12/2004 11:03:00 pm [+] ::
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it was fun catching up and talking about the "old days." it was good remembering the fun i had in college and in boston. but, it didn't make me miss it or want it. 'cause that was then and this is now. i know it was only a few years ago that i was in boston doing my thing. but, in between leaving boston and now, a lot has changed. i've changed. in some ways, the "old" me was better - ignorance was bliss. and in other ways, i'm happy with what i know, even though it can hurt. but, i gotta believe that all of "that" and all of "this" plays a part in establishing who i truly am and eventually, in finding my place in it all.

:: debbie 6/07/2004 11:46:00 pm [+] ::
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i'd like to say that i came out of this past weekend feeling refreshed and that i was glad that i went. but, i don't like to lie. it's not that i had a terrible time, but i didn't have the best time either. but, i did come out knowing that i need to make a good amount of decisions that i've been avoiding. i also came out believing that this is just the way things are going to be from now on, even though others want things to get "better." 'cause, words aren't enough to me anymore. i need action behind the words (if the words can ever be spoken.) but, i'm not even counting on the words at this point. and to be honest, i've got more important things to worry about and cope with. pettiness is not one of them. and save your concern and advice for someone who's willing to consider it.

there are many things i am not. amongst them is being a peacemaker.

:: debbie 6/03/2004 10:33:00 pm [+] ::
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