:: The Princess Diaries ::

:: 29.11.04 ::

did you ever try to fight your feelings?

going into this, i didn't want to care all that much and i didn't want my emotions to get in the way. there was promising in this, just friendship and some good times. but, right now, there's a lot more involved than i ever intended. to be made to feel sad, jealous, annoyed, and happy all in a few hours is way too much. it's not in my place to feel all this. there's nothing of real substance going on. no sense of commit or obligation. so, what's with all of these "feelings"?

this wasn't supposed to happen. now, i'm confused and frustrated. that's just not cool.

and, i still can't sleep.

this really sucks.

:: debbie 11/29/2004 10:55:00 pm [+] ::
...

after the first, i thought i'd be able to make a decision. i thought i'd know where i wanted things to go. but, i don't know. i don't have the slightest idea. and because, i can't figure it out, i can't sleep. and i get irritated when i can't sleep.

this shouldn't be difficult. i don't want it to be difficult. i want the answers to be in front of me. i want to be able to know where this should all go. i want to know what to do, so others won't get hurt. i want to know!

i mean, what's so complicated about it? two people like each other. that should be enough, right? 'cause, the details can come later. that's just not the case. 'cause, on the outside, there are so many things "wrong" with the situation. but, i don't know enough to know if what's in the inside is "right." and while this is all fun and exciting, it's really not.

this sucks. i just want to sleep...

:: debbie 11/27/2004 01:54:00 am [+] ::
...

when something new (project, relationship, friendship, phase, etc.) begins, the optimistic part of me thinks, "this is it. this time, everything will be good. i'll finally be happy." but, sure enough, my cynicism kicks in and then, i realize that it's all the same. who was i kidding? things don't change.

i'm not quite sure what it is, but the disappointment never fails to set in. i would like for things to be all nice and filled with pretty flowers, but that's just not life for me. and it's not cynicism - it's reality. it's my reality. and it's this reality that has made me into the person i am. i've come to really rely on myself, my own abilities, and be self-sufficient. so much so that i rarely ask others for help. it's been my independence that's brought me to where i am.

in my experience, my hope and willingness to believe have turned on me. my expectations, which aren't unreasonable, aren't even half-way met. so, i'm not sure why i bother, really. foolish hope, i guess. like a dog going back to its vomit.

but, i'm learning - the hard way. one comes into this world alone. and one leaves this world alone. in between, everyone that surrounds oneself is just merely a part of the tapestry and serves as fillers. 'cause, when everything is said and done, everyone is out for themselves - even the "nicest" of people. true promises, complete honesty, selflessness, and sacrifice are rare to come across.

i don' t trust.
i don't rely.
i don't depend on.
i don't count on.

i don't need,

but

i want to.

:: debbie 11/20/2004 01:07:00 am [+] ::
...

for the past twentysomething years of my life, i did what was expected. i walked to the beat i was supposed to. i rarely stepped out of line. not that i was perfect, but i didn't wander from the korean/christian norm. when things got tough and unsatisfying, i stuck with it. 'cause, i wasn't supposed to quit. i wasn't raised to be a quitter. i surpressed a lot of my own desires and pursuits, 'cause i wasn't supposed to be "different". my past, my history, and my affiliations followed me everywhere.

but, the steps i began to take opened my eyes. there really was more to life than the little bubble i grew up in. and though it was foreign, it intrigued me. and once i got a taste of reality, i wanted more. but, i held back. i held back, 'cause i didn't want to break the mold. afterall, i did return to where i was initially molded. and this is just not the right place to break out of your old self.

well, a girl can only take so much. i needed to break away from the life i lived and knew so well. 'cause, it was the same life that was smothering me. i wanted something completely different. some said it was a "phase" and if i gave it time, i would grow out of it. but, i haven't.

at the age of 25, i want to start my life. i've been waiting my whole life to break free and live life. i've been waiting for the "next big thing" to come and set me free. and it's not going to come in the form of a man, job, or posessions. 'cause, before anyone else can step into my life, i need to live my own life. i need to be happy with myself - wholly.

and everyday, i see it coming closer. i'm a day closer to finding my way. where i'm going to end up or with who, i don't know. but, just as long as i'm satisfied, it doesn't matter.

:: debbie 11/19/2004 01:27:00 am [+] ::
...

wow-wee! been a long time, eh? the last time i checked in, i was nervous not about student teaching, but student teaching at mather. with only 5 more weeks to go, i'm happy to report that i'm still in one piece - physically, at least. emotionally and mentally, that's another thing.

the past 9 weeks have been filled with emotions and mental states that i could have been spared of. i was nearly brought to tears after an especially bad class a few times. i've yelled at and argued with students enough to last me the rest of my teaching career. fights have broken out in my classes. i've lost sleep and my sanity. and i've thought about abandoning teaching all together.

but, with the bad always comes the good, right? well, sometimes. in my case, the good have been good enough to keep me going. the connections i've made with the most difficult students have encouraged me. the lessons that went so much better than i could ever imagine have inspired me. and the good i see in the "tough" kids make me more compassionate. it's the few good days i've had that make it all worth it.

so, despite the hair i'm losing, the appetite i've lost, and all the breakouts i've had, i think i'll keep going with this teaching stint.

but, now that i'm almost halfway done, i've got to think about my next move. unfortunately, right now, there is no next move. and with the stress of student teaching exiting, the stress of finding a job is entering. i know that for the remainder of the school year, i'll be working somewhere in the chicagoland area. but, after that, who knows. my opportunity to leave is becoming more and more real. as time goes on, it's becoming more and more apparent to me that i have less and less reason to stick around. and more than it being sad, it's exciting. this is what i've been waiting for. something new. something different. and whichever city i end up in to pursue this new and different something, i'll be ready. i've been ready.

i am ready.

:: debbie 11/07/2004 09:57:00 pm [+] ::
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