:: The Princess Diaries ::

:: 28.12.04 ::

for the past twentysomething years of my life, i have done everything i was supposed to do. i was a "good" kid, was responsible, and careful (maybe a bit too much.) i calculated everything. so much so, that my present days were spent only living for the future. that's all i could focus on. where was i going to end up? what would i be doing? who would i spend the rest of my life with? well, this all eventually got very tiresome. and, i decided that rather than only living for the future, i needed to enjoy the present more. so, i took the risk, knowing that it could end up rather unpleasant. but, i went ahead with it anyway.

so, this is how it ends. and in my 25 years of life, i have never shed a tear over anything like this. i've always been able to brush it off and move on. but, for some unknown reason, this time around, not only is my pride wounded, but my heart also broken. and for the first time in 25 years, the emotions are overwhelming and the tears ever-flowing. and that alone makes getting over "it" harder and wounds my pride even more. and the little bit of optimism i have is hoping that this all turns around for the better. but, it's false hope and that can only hurt me more. so, i need to squish that before it succombs me. for the past six months, i've been told that i deserve better. and while i know that ('cause, i've been told so many damn times), do i believe it? do i believe that i do, indeed, deserve better? and do i really deserve better? what is it exactly that i deserve? and, who's to decide what i deserve? perhaps, this end result is what i deserve for my foolishness.

i suppose that with time, things will get better. 'cause, that's what everyone keeps saying. but, again, while i know that things will get better, do i believe they will? i don't know right now. and if at all costs, i'd like to not think about it anymore.

:: debbie 12/28/2004 02:15:00 pm [+] ::
...

it's simple, really. if this was another situation, i would know what to do and immediately do it. i wouldn't settle for anything less and leave it at that. take it or leave it. but, for some stupid reason, not this time. it's like i just keep going back in for the sucker punch - over and over and over and over again. so, what gives? i don't know. wishful thinking? foolishness? it's as if i enjoy this sort of thing and like torturing myself. so, after many chances and much thinking, i've decided to bow out. now, the hard part is sticking to it.

can i do it?
i hope so.

:: debbie 12/26/2004 11:04:00 pm [+] ::
...

it's funny what it takes for you to see what friendships are grounded on and whether or not you feel like it's a true friendship. i suppose after spending close to 5 days with the same people will lend to some insight into those particular friendships/relationships/aquaintances. true, spending that much time with people can result in a cabin fever type of reaction. but, the real test is if the tension or bickering passes and the friendship can retain its original properties and be mended. some of discoveries i made weren't anything new, rather they just affirmed what i already believed and knew. so, i come away from recent events having a better idea where i stand with certain individuals. and with more events to come, i know what to expect of these relationships. for some, i only expect things to become better and rooted in deeper appreciation and love. for the rest, i expect things to dissolve and realize that everything was based on convenience. but, ultimately, from these things, i am sure of this - the place i am in now is not where i am meant to be.

:: debbie 12/22/2004 11:59:00 pm [+] ::
...

is it that i'm forgiving
or
that i'm a softie
or
that i'm just a complete pushover?

right now, i can't tell...

~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~

leaving for vegas soon. the ol' skool bethel girls in sin city - that'll be a sight to see. if all goes well, i won't have any stories to share when i get back - 'cause, afterall, what happens in vegas, stays in vegas (i hate that saying, but feel the need to use it.)

:: debbie 12/17/2004 04:23:00 pm [+] ::
...

i'm not sure what it is, but it's taken a good hold of me. i never intended to get this emotionally involved. there was never a sense of committment or being exculsive. i knew that and i was fine with it. really, i was. but, now i'm stuck with the sense of being left a fool. 'cause, even though i knew this was casual, i made the mistake of placing any sort of hopes and expectations in this. but, even in casualness, there is courtesy and everyday good manners. i thought that i saw something more than just what was presented on the exterior. i thought there was more than what i was told. perhaps, i was wrong. perhaps, i blindly believed in something i wanted to see, but wasn't really there. so, i've been left waiting. waiting isn't the bad part. it's the end result of being left hanging. and so, this is where i am. but, i'm not waiting anymore.

:: debbie 12/16/2004 08:40:00 pm [+] ::
...

so, this is it.
after thursday, i'll be done.
i'll be free to move on with my life.
i'll be free to go where i want.
this is what i've been waiting for.
and now, more than ever, i want out.
'cause, it's time.
it's been time for a long time.

:: debbie 12/08/2004 10:14:00 pm [+] ::
...