:: The Princess Diaries ::

:: 19.9.05 ::

sometimes i make the mistake of reading old emails when i shouldn't. i'm a packrat. so, i keep almost everything - especially things of sentimental value. occasionally, i will save something and tell myself that i shouldn't look at it or read it again. but, for sentimental reasons and so i don't regret it later, i should hold on to it. BUT! in order to protect my heart, i shouldn't look back on any of it - no matter what.

so, i just read some old emails that brought back a whole mix of emotions. the way it all began was as if it was from a movie or a book. never did i think that i would be a part of such things. they were from a time when i was happy, yet frustrated with my relationship status. they were from a time when i just found my calling to truly enjoy my life and appreciate the moment. most of all, they were from a time when just the thought of someone made me happy, giddy, excited, confused, and frustrated all at once. i was never sure what to do with the flood of emotions i was feeling. never in my life did someone give me butterflies like this and make me feel so schoolgirl-giddy. it was all so new. but, it was also a time of confusion and frustration. never did i want something so badly, but knew it wasn't mine to be had.
it was also an important time. this period of time helped me to realize the way things could be. the way things should be. it helped me to realize that i, too, deserved the good things and to be wanted and happy. in an odd way, it gave me hope. yet, when the time passed, i felt like i had my one chance and lost it.
all that happened and all that was felt during this time is my standard now. it is the standard that i use to compare others to and whether or not it's worth involving my emotions. i've tried to replace what i've experienced, but all attempts have failed - miserably. sometimes, i think that someone could help to re-create this time and the feelings, but it never has worked out that way.
a couple years have passed now, but i haven't been able to let go entirely. i occasionally look back and read my saved emails. while it makes me smile, it also aches me a bit. most of all, it makes me wonder if i'll ever have something like that again.

:: debbie 9/19/2005 10:43:00 pm [+] ::
...

i hate regret. but right now, that's what i'm feeling.
for the most part, i look back on my undergrad days with little fondness. don't get me wrong. i did enjoy my time in boston. boston's a great city and i met some great people there. i was able to experience things in boston that i could only experience there. but for the most part, i don't miss it. my years in boston seem like a lifetime ago and i'm pretty good with having left.
but, every so often, i regret how i spent my time there. but, how was i supposed to know? i was so wrapped up in how i was supposed to spend my time there, that i didn't take the time to spend it the way i wanted to. and by the time i realized that, it was too late. there's this bitterness that resides in me and comes out when i think about boston. there was so much i should have done. there were places that i should visited. there were people i should have met and taken the time to get to know. but, i didn't. i don't know what to quit blame it on, except myself. i wish i had known and hadn't been so close-minded. i know everyone regrets something once in awhile, but i can't stand regret. i absolutely hate living with it.
i guess i could say that i can make up for lost time, but i can't. the life of an undergrad can only be lived as an undergrad. well, it should only be lived as an undergrad. and besides, i'm not in boston anymore. so, i guess this is one regret (a big regret) i have to live with.

:: debbie 9/17/2005 09:31:00 pm [+] ::
...

why is it that...

when you meet someone who is completely wrong for you, you go for them? it's not so much because there's a chance there might be something. but, it's more because you're curious or know that the rest of your life, you'll be with the "right" person. of course, this only leads to mistakes and sometimes, regret and hurt. but, most often than not, it ends up with, "what was i thinking?" but, when you meet someone you seamlessly get along with, you keep yourself from doing anything. it's a strange thing. you've never gotten along with someone so well that it's unreal. even upon second try, what you noticed the first time around is still present. but, there's something holding you back. you can't quite put your finger on it, but it's there and it's keeping you from seeing what could be. all you know is that this is the one time you can't do anything because there's too much at stake. it's not worth finding out, "what if?" so, you sit and wait patiently, hoping and wishing for things to work out the way they are supposed to. it's excruciating, but it's out of your hands and you're going to leave it at that.

:: debbie 9/12/2005 09:38:00 pm [+] ::
...