:: The Princess Diaries ::

:: 29.12.05 ::

sometimes,
all you want is for someone to ask
instead you of telling.

:: debbie 12/29/2005 12:49:00 am [+] ::
...

i'm not sure when it happened or why it happened, but in the past 5 years, i've become very emotional - the whole range. previous to the 5 years, i was just angry and bitter. not much made me all that happy and i just didn't care for anything or anyone. but, after college, my tear ducts were opened and can't be securely shut anymore. i'm easily sadden by things and cry at way too many things. what is going on here?

i'm writing this on a day that is supposed to be happy and celebrated with one's family. that is not the case here. while i am at home, i am neither happy nor celebrating. it's terrible, i know. i should be celebrating 'cause of the REAL meaning of today. but, the circumstances that surround me are interfering with the festivities. i've been told that i'm a scrooge because of my lack of holiday spirit, festiveness, and blah blah blah. but, if you knew what i grew up with and what i am currently dealing with, you'd understand.

my family has never been a family to be festive or celebratory. we're not a family that surprises one another with thoughtful gifts. my family is very practical and if there's something you want, you can voice your desire, so you won't be disappointed in the end. at some point, i decided i would change this. but, it's hard to change a lifetime's worth of untradition and un-sentimentality. after a few attempts, it becomes hurtful and disappointing. so, it ends. it's not worth the effort. so, if one were to step into my family's world, you wouldn't think it was christmas or even the holidays.

but, this isn't the only reason for the overflow of tears. there's more. there's always more. in fact, i don't know when there won't be anymore.

so, in order to stop this flood of emotions, i've decided to be proactive. i've decided to be proactive about not being proactive. (what? you didn't get that?)

many years ago, i gave myself a deadline. when i reached this deadline, i would live my life as if i were meant to be alone (meaning single.) any and all decisions would be based on what was best for me, the forever single woman. they would not be based on me, the eventually-married with children woman. i'm not vowing to be single and not accept what may come my way (i'm emotional, not stupid.) it's more like if it happens, it happens. but, i'm not going to hold my breath and wait for it to happen.

i'm exactly two months away from my deadline (27th birthday.)

but, due to recent events, i've pushed my deadline up - to now. just when i thought i would be able to let go of my deadline, i was proved wrong - again. so, figuring that nothing is going to change within the next two months, i've pushed my deadline up.

this is better for me. i'm a goal and deadline-oriented person. well, i can be. if i continue to live my life hoping and wondering, i'll harm myself. i can't hold out for something that's not going to happen - that's not meant to happen.

i had my chance and i missed it.

hopefully this can stop the exaggerated emotions.

:: debbie 12/25/2005 10:34:00 pm [+] ::
...

hope can be the beacon of light a person needs to get through a tough situation.
hope can also turn out to be incredibly disappointing and prevent a person from relying on it again.

:: debbie 12/21/2005 11:30:00 pm [+] ::
...