:: The Princess Diaries ::

:: 19.1.05 ::

as i get older, i seemed to be more and more affected by things. the littlest things can throw me off and change my mood. some have said that this is a good thing, 'cause i'm responding to things and it shows that i care. sure, in some cases, this is good. for instance, as a teacher, i should be responding and i should care - for the benefit of my students. but other than that, it's just annoying. i'd rather not care and just go on with my life. i don't want to be easily affected by others and the crap they bring with them. 'cause, really? what does it do for me? how does becoming upset, hurt, sad, angry, bothered, & frustrated benefit me? it doesn't. it just gives me headaches and wrinkles.

so, enough already.
don't bring your crap my way.
i don't want to care anymore.

:: debbie 1/19/2005 09:49:00 pm [+] ::
...

i'm not sure why i keep going back. a part of me feels like that i have to prove something to myself. i have to prove to myself that i can get over this and that i wasn't that hurt by it all. and while, i'm okay when it's not at the forefront of my thoughts, when i am encountered with it, it all comes crashing down on me. but, i want to get over this. i want to be able to say that i don't care and that it was a part of the past. i want to be able to sleep at night without crying. and i don't want to be sad anymore. but, it's not working out this way. the hurt is still there and so is the frustration. it's on my mind constantly and i can't let go. so, until i can prove to myself and my heart that i can be stronger than this, i guess i'll keep going in for the punches.

:: debbie 1/04/2005 05:05:00 pm [+] ::
...

i don't know what came over me (well, actually i do.) i almost forgot to post an entry about last year's highlights&lowlights and the new year's coming attraction. please, excuse my lapse.

so, without further due, here it is:

2004 - the year in review
- turned the big two-five, with not much to show for
- my beloved Disco endured lots of repairs while my checking account endured lots of large hits
+ farnworth doesn't go into arbitration - he gets resigned (yes, this was a highlight)
- non-profit/soccer boy re-enters my life again - and again - and again
- constant and nagging reminder that i've got to get out of this place
+ greg maddux comes back to the cubs
+ solo trip out to phoenix for cubs spring training - the one time it rains in phoenix is when i'm there
- diagnosed with scoliosis and chronic back spasms. yeah, that's not fun
- self-inflicted deadline: met. but, it turns out that intern boy's a snob. and he says, 'ciao'. what guy says, 'ciao'?
+ switched over from caribou to starbucks
+ summer of baseball and iced grande extra caramel caramel macchiatos
+ cubs v the rockies game with brother, sun, and brother's friend
+ cubs v st louis game with dad, uncle, and brother - photo day!
+ kindred aunt from korea comes to visit - she knows my heart
- exit: intern boy. enter: coffeeboy
+ trip to nyc with my cousins
+ final semester of grad school - student teaching at mather
+ cubs v phillies with sun
- found out by old orchard starbucks. saga with coffeeboy begins...
+ cubs v the padres with sun and nicole
- missed the cure concert at tinley park
+ greg maddux gets 300th win
+ jack johnson at the aragon
+ norah jones at the chicago theatre
- the highly favored cubs do not make it to the world series
+ the red sox break their curse and beat st. louis in the world series. sweet
+ fun partner brings in the fun
+ beastie boys at the united center - discover talib kweli
- emotional entanglement with coffeeboy begins
+ completion of student teaching. completion of graduate school.
+ trip to vegas with the girls
- pwalter & family moving
- wounded pride + broken heart = way too much crying
- experienced some of the most emotional weeks of my life
+ grande skim extra caramel caramel macchiatos

2005 - things to come
+/- 26 might not be so bad - but still not much to show for
+ get my own classroom and begin to really teach
+ trip out to london with my fun partner
+ trip out to maryland to visit pwalter & family with sun
+ more cubs games
+ more grande skim extra caramel caramel macchiatos
+ a few friends getting married
- the incessant need to prove myself to myself that i can get over coffeeboy and getting hurt more in the process
+ working back at niles north with the anchor program
+ potential move out of chicago
- repairing my pride and my heart
+/- constantly trying to move on with my life


so, there you have it. 2004 had its up's and down's. and only God knows what 2005 holds in store. but, with the way 2004 ended, i'm hoping 2005 can only go up and get better.

:: debbie 1/01/2005 10:59:00 pm [+] ::
...