:: The Princess Diaries ::

:: 25.3.05 ::

for some reason, when things bother me, they really bother me. even if the problems aren't mine, but i care about the person dealing with the problem, i feel unusually heavy-hearted. this past week has been a heavy-hearted kind of week. day after day, i've had to deal with something that made me sad. and to my fault, i try to see what i can do to fix these problems that aren't mine. but, this week, i've had to accept that there's nothing i can do. and it's killing me that i can't.

:: debbie 3/25/2005 05:00:00 pm [+] ::
...

i guess it was bound to happen sooner or later. we couldn't stay kids forever - no matter how much we wanted to. we were going to grow up and move on with our lives. it began when we graduated from high school and were on our separate ways to our respective colleges/universities. after graduation, we all got jobs - our next step to becoming responsible adults. and as the years went by, we drifted apart. it wasn't because we didn't like one another. it was simply that we were not the same people. a lot changed since high school. it's not a bad thing, really. it was just a part of life. and even though we were different people, we knew that we'd always be there. we felt as if that things somehow wouldn't change, even though we had. while we knew that wasn't true, a part of us wanted to believe that. but the time has come and now, some of us are married, some of us are engaged, and some of us are leaving. it's all starting to sink in - we're adults and no longer teenagers just hanging out. but, the years we're shared are precious. the memories can't be taken away from us - ever. and no matter where we are or who we're with, we will always have the times and memories we shared and the One who brought us all together.

:: debbie 3/20/2005 10:35:00 pm [+] ::
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now i know why teachers want to spend an extra 3 or so hours after school and saturday mornings to coach. yes, the stipend is nice. but, coaching gives a teacher the chance to physically do something with students. and what sets the student athletes apart from the students is that the athletes want to be there. and the ones who truly want to be on the team will endure the drills, the laps, the down&arounds, the wall-sits, the yelling, the pushing, the suicides, and whatever else it takes. i love teaching. i do. there's nothing i enjoy more than spending my time teaching my students and pushing them cognitively. but, coaching gives me a chance to push the kids physically and teach them about dedication and drive. sure, the freshmen are rowdy and they complain and whine a lot. but, they have spunk and are excited. they also possess a "let's have fun and enjoy this" attitude. they haven't been jaded... yet. every morning, i look forward to the end of the day so that i can coach - even though most of them still can't pass very well.

it's fun.
the coaching staff is fun.
the freshmen boys are fun.
and right now, that's what i need -
fun.

:: debbie 3/14/2005 09:31:00 pm [+] ::
...

here are some random thoughts for you:

~ i've always wanted more from life. i've never been satisfied with anything. it's not that i'm not greatful - i just want more. so sometimes, i find it extremely odd to realize where i'm at in my life. and sure, i've accomplished a few things and have a good job right now - but i want more. and i want to know that this isn't it. i need to know that there's more out there. that's what keeps me going. i need to know that there's more out there for me. and NEVER do i want things just handed to me. i need to know that i worked hard for it and deserve it. there will be no handouts or sympathy votes - absolutely not. so, it is a bit disappointing that my current job might have been handed to me, instead of me earning it? yes. but, now that i have it, am i going to do my damndest to prove that i deserve it? of course. does it stop there? no way. i will sacrifice the time. i will endure the pain. i will lose sleep. and, i will put in the extra hours - because i know i want more.

~ every so often, my conscience irritates me 'til no end. and it's about the stupid stuff. i know that somethings shouldn't bother me and shouldn't think twice. but, i do. for example, i can't help feel "bad" when i leave starbucks and talk to everyone, but him. i know i shouldn't care. but, it bothers me. "should i have at least said 'bye'?" "should i say something to him?" "was i being rude?" "why is this bothering me?" "why do i even care?" "what is my problem?!" so, it take a lot for me to get over such things. but, for the life of me, i can't figure out why certain unimportant, feudal things weigh so heavily on my conscience. when did i start caring so much? i've had enough. it's just got to stop.

~for most of my life, i've hated the idea of being indebt to people - banks, government, coworkers, friends, and even family. whether it's for money or nonmonetary favors, i hate it. i don't like to feel obligated to others - like an indentured servant or something. i've always done things on my own and want to keep it that way - for the most part. but, i've been told that i "owe" it to my parents to stick around a bit more. and while i can understand this, i don't want to acknowledge and accept it. so, it's going to take a lot for me to give in to my desires. and it's going to cost me my sanity and the freedom i've been longing for.


~ being an adult and making adult decisions suck sometimes.

:: debbie 3/02/2005 10:39:00 pm [+] ::
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