:: The Princess Diaries ::

:: 12.7.05 ::

<< rewind to yesterday:
i came back home all confused and slightly frustrated. but, it's the confused and frustrated that comes with an excitement that makes you look forward to the next day. i confided in someone and all i got was encouragement and support. so, that of course, made me even more excited, but also more frustrated - with myself. i didn't know what to make of it all. and it was killing me. - how could i do this? why would i do this? - aside from being frustrated and confused, i felt terrible. i felt a tremendous amount of guilt on me. and it was for something i didn't mean to happen or could even really control. what was i going to do? how am i going to go about handling this? I DON'T KNOW!!! even though i asked for it to be taken away from me, i know i really didn't mean it. i felt like it had been such a long time since i last genuinely felt this. i spent the last week frustrated, confused, and going between what's practical and what's ideal. maybe things like this aren't meant to be practical. maybe i'm supposed to go with my heart, even if it seems outrageous. but, at my age, being practical carries a lot of weight. never once did i think i would find myself in this situation. but, here i was.

>> fast forward to today:
i'm still frustrated and confused. but this time, it's accompanied with a feeling of defeat. it's ridiculous, really. nothing really happened to cause this. but, i guess that doesn't really matter, 'cause i feel pretty poopy. do i still feel the same? or, have my feelings changed? I DON'T KNOW!!! and what's even more ridiculous is that here i am, at the age of 26, being affected like this - especially considering the situation. stupid. SO STUPID. but, how do i shake this? how? SOMEONE TELL ME!!! as much as i might (or might not) want to get over this, i just can't.

:: debbie 7/12/2005 11:58:00 pm [+] ::
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